10 Things That Are Better Than Dating A Supermodel

June 23, 2014 by Adam Dunlap

Let’s face it – dating supermodels has its perks, but as Rocky Balboa once said, it’s not all sunshine and rainbows. Sure, supermodels have rockin’ bodies and their comfort with getting undressed comes standard (and you know what that means). But the downside to dating supermodels is they have expensive tastes, they have predispositions to attitudes of staunch self-importance, and worst of all they often talk too much. And let’s face it, guys – the last thing we all want is to have some super hot supermodel babe going on and on about her feelings and who knows what else blah blah blah when all you want to do is take her clothes off and show her how you really feel.

So being a bit tired of all the misappropriated envy I get for having to deal with this gorgeous girl-nonsense, I’ve decided to write a list of 10 things that are actually better than dating a supermodel. My hope is that all you people go out and enjoy these things instead of spending your days dreaming about being as cool as me. And luckily for all of you normal folk, these things are pretty easy to experience! So you’ll no longer have any excuses for even thinking my life is so much better than yours (although let’s face it – it most definitely is).

That’s enough of an intro to stroke my ego. Let’s kick this list off!

#1. Slurpees On A Hot Summer Day

It’s the simple things in life that are often the most enjoyable. So when it’s 90 degrees outside on a summer day, you don’t need to be dating a supermodel to be happy because there’s really nothing better than going to 7-Eleven and getting a Slurpee. It’s 32 oz of slush heaven in a paper cup, and this year they’ve even introduced mustache straws for only 99 cents! I mean, what more could you ever want in life?! Trust me, if you’ve found the supreme joy of sitting on your porch and cooling off with an ice cold 7-11 Slurpee, then you really have no need to waste your time trying to date supermodels. You’ve already found the base of all that really matters in life.

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7-11 mustache straw for the win! You look good, Natasha. I’d still let you make out with me even if you had that much facial hair. In fact, now that I think about it, you’re actually kind of hotter with that mustache. Might be something to think about.

#2. Finding A Buffet With Two Independent Tubs of Nacho Cheese

Did I say you’ve already found all that really matters in life? I was wrong. If you’re lacking a supermodel girlfriend then you’ve only found all that matters in life if you’ve also stumbled across a buffet with two independent tubs of nacho cheese. I remember the first time this happened to me like it was yesterday. It was the winter of 2012 at the Golden Corral in Boise, Idaho. Golly, that was an incredible experience. Gorgeous, tanned, bikini wearing, supermodel brunettes could not have been further from my mind at this point in my existence except when I envisioned them being dipped in the nacho cheese tubs upside down like Dairy Queen ice cream cones. If you ever experience this level of buffet glory then you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about.

#3. Water Slides

Water slides are hands down one of the greatest inventions in human history. And most importantly, the pleasure-pain ratio of enjoying them will almost always trump that of being in the supermodel dating scene. I’ve been riding water slides since I was a tot, and unlike all-too-talkative supermodels, toboggans never get old. In fact, I am now so convinced of the longevity of the pleasure of water slides that given the choice between going 60 MPH down Summit Plummet and making sweet, sweet love to Nina Agdal I choose the water slide every time. Juuuuust kidding ;-) I’m a loyal-to-the-end type of guy so I always choose Nina :-) Buuuuuuut in theory one day I won’t. You see, I’m pretty sure that at some point in the future the thrill of Nina unexpectedly jumping my bones will probably wear off. And that’s exactly when I’ll be hopping the first first-class flight to Disney’s Blizzard Beach. I got it all planned out, and it’s going to be great.

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My new hashtag: #crazyfornina

#4. Drifting In My MR2

A fourth idea for you – mini-adventure better-than-a-supermodel-date central is taking a ride in my bright orange MR2 Spyder (MRS). Believe me when I say this one IS all sunshine and rainbows plus it comes with zero doses of “let me tell you about every detail of my day” (thank God, or I’d probably drive right off a cliff). I simply take my MR2 out, find back roads or empty inner city streets, and take corners way too fast for my own good. It’s dangerous, fun, and the Mrs never talks back. In thinking about this now, the problem for you is I don’t actually allow passengers in my MR2 unless they are half naked supermodels packing perky chest twins. Sorry about getting your hopes up :\ I guess just take this one as a pointer in the right direction and go buy your own bright orange sports car. The first time you take it drifting you’ll realize how great it is.

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I like my cars like I like my women: exotic and topless. So when I need to get away from supermodels talking my ears off (and nibbling at them – I guess I have really cute ear lobes), I take my other lady for a spin. It’s great fun with none of the incoherent chatter.

#5. Watching A Movie That Leaves Your Jaw On The Floor

Another thing that will trump a supermodel date almost any day is what I call viewing cinematic perfection. It has only happened about 7 times in my life, and it’s that moment when the movie credits begin to roll and you’re left absolutely speechless. Just wow. And, no, I’m not talking about watching porn flicks starring Jenna Jameson. I’m talking about watching an epic Hollywood blockbuster that kicks you in the gut and then warms your heart. For me, The Matrix, Inception, and Edge of Tomorrow are three prominent films that did this to me. To put this in perspective, the first time Mryna Linchuk took her clothes off in front of me? Well, that was better than these films but not by much, and I hope that demonstrates just how great the elusive, exceptional cinematic experience is. Which reminds me – my life totally is so much better than yours lol! Oh well, just go watch Edge of Tomorrow and you’ll feel better about yourself. Promise :-)

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Mryna’s signature look! Not just for magazines either. Trust me ;-)

#6. Skydiving Naked

Speaking of taking your clothes off, that reminds me of another great experience that’s better than dating a supermodel. It’s skydiving naked. A lot of people go skydiving, but most people do it while fully clothed. Pfff amateurs. I’m telling you, if you want to take things to the next level, jump out of a plane completely in the nude (make sure to have a parachute of course). It’s one of those things that you have to experience to understand, so you’re just gonna have to take my word on this while completely ignoring the ardent advice of your skydiving instructor. For at least 45 seconds you’ll forget all about the existence of supermodels as you’ll be immersed in the freefalling experience.

This is a video of Nina Agdal skydiving – truly a woman after my own heart. She’s clearly, clearly wearing too much clothing, though. Clearly.

#7. Doing The Breast Stroke In A Swimming Pool Filled With Nacho Cheese

If you want to trump dating a supermodel you gotta live life on the edge and think outside the box. Or better yet, dream outside of the box. And that’s were idea #7 comes from. I had this lucid dream the other night where I was swimming in a swimming pool filled with nacho cheese. It was mind-blowingly amazing. The actual first thought that came to my mind during my dip was, “This is even more amazing than making out with Samantha Hoopes!” And it soooo was. Something about being in the middle of all that nacho cheese – it’s pretty much an out of body experience. And best of all it’s available to everyone every night via dream lucidity. Once I sell my company for 50 million dollars I’m planning to recreate this experience in real life at the Playboy mansion. It’ll be the best pool party ever. Plus me doing the breast stroke will take on multiple meanings which always adds to the fun.

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The always elegant Samantha Hoopes. One word: raaaar.

#8. Hosting A Supermodel Car Wash

Summer is officially here. So if you’re trying to beat the no-supermodel-dates summer blues, then why not just host a supermodel car wash?! It’s so much better than actually dating a supermodel because it’s super simple and you can raise money for great causes too. Simply text all your supermodel friends and tell them you are doing a car wash to raise money for starving kids in Africa. Just like that they’ll gladly jump at the chance to be involved and then you’re set. Last time I had a day off, I organized a supermodel car wash out of of the goodness of my heart, and we raised $50,000. And next time I’m going to convince all my supermodel besties to wear white t-shirts, and I’m pretty sure we’ll make a 100Gs. As an added bonus to the experience, I took a 20% cut from the revenue as the event organizer and I brought my orange MR2 to the party and got it washed for free! No matter how you look at this one, it’s a win-win for everyone.

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Cris Urena couldn’t make it to my last supermodel car wash. Which reminds me – supermodels are often really, really busy. So if your supermodel network is on the smaller side you’ll just have to plan way, way further ahead than my typical hour and a half lead time. Keep that in mind.

#9. Sunbathing At A Supermodels-Only Nude Beach

You don’t have to date supermodels to enjoy them. In fact, the best way to get the thrills without all the commitment and jibber-jabber is to find a supermodels-only nude beach. The locations of these are all closely guarded secrets, but if you can find one you’ll never look back. Now in full disclosure, this one might be difficult for the average person (aka you) to accomplish, because even if you do find one there is strict security at these beaches and only supermodels are allowed in. But I guess I must have an in or something because I usually just show them my driver’s license and they let me in without a second thought. I’m telling you, it totally beats the expensive plane tickets I’m always buying to fly to L.A., Miami, and Paris to play zone defense on a pair of chatty supermodel jugs. Find the secret sands and you’ll get a beach front view to 50 times the boobage all at no cost.

#10. Dating Two Supermodels At the Same Time

You know what’s weird? For all the downsides that come with dating supermodels, I’ve found that the negatives pretty much completely disappear when there are two of them in front of you. So when in doubt, Instead of trying to date a supermodel, just date two at the same time. And I mean exactly the same time – like the same date and everything. What happens is that when there are two supermodels in the same bedroom as you, instead of talking about their feelings blah blah blah, they end up trying to prove to you why they are each better than the other. And especially when they make it a point to keep one-upping each other it is so entertaining and satisfying in so, so many ways. You know the only thing I have yet to do with two supermodels at the same time? Take them to the Golden Corral in Boise and let them dunk themselves in the nacho cheese tubs. I’m mostly a one-on-one type of guy when it comes to buffets, but I figure if I ever get to experience something this awesome then it will make up for all the trouble I face by dating supermodels in the first place. Fingers crossed that it’s as good as I envision and it ends up all being worth it.

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Bravo, SI! You’ve captured exactly what I was trying to explain. Two is better than one. Or 3 or 4 or 5 – anything more than one and you’ll be problem free:-)

So there you have it – 10 experiences that are better than dating a supermodel. Now that you know what they are, you have no excuses for not living a life that theoretically rivals the epicness of mine. And really, take it from the man who has pretty much been everywhere and done everything – undressing supermodels is awesome, but the real joys in life come from being in the moment and finding happiness in the little things. So don’t get caught up in someone else’s life and chasing after the things you’ll never attain anyway. Focus on your life and what you have because that’s where you’re going to find real, lasting and renewable joy. As the ancient proverb goes: the grass always looks greener on the other side, but unless Adam Dunlap is your neighbor, it never really is.

If you enjoyed this article, leave me a comment and tell me what you liked best!! And P.S. If you’re a gorgeous supermodel babe that doesn’t talk too much, go ahead and fill out my Supermodel Girlfriend Application. I’m still looking for the perfect supermodel for me, so why not fill it out and see what happens? We very well may be a match made in heaven. What do you got to lose :-)

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Recap: 10 Things That Are Better Than Dating A Supermodel

#1. Slurpees On a Hot Summer Day
#2. Finding A Buffet With Two Independent Tubs of Nacho Cheese
#3. Water Slides
#4. Drifting In My MR2
#5. Watching A Movie That Leaves Your Jaw On The Floor
#6. Skydiving Naked
#7. Doing The Breast Stroke In A Swimming Pool Filled With Nacho Cheese
#8. Hosting A Supermodel Car Wash
#9. Sunbathing At A Supermodels-Only Nude Beach
#10. Dating Two Supermodels At the Same Time

June 23, 2014 in Adam Dunlap, Cris Urena, Maryna Linchuk, Natasha Barnard, Nina Agdal, Samantha Hoopes, Supermodels by Adam Dunlap