The Carla Ossa Beauty Test™

May 13, 2014 by Adam Dunlap

For the last 48 hours I’ve been doing a meditative fast. I sat in the same position crossed legged without moving and without eating or drinking anything. I can’t say I reached full enlightenment during that time, but I came pretty close. In fact, I probably would have made it if Nina Agdal hadn’t called me and asked me to come over to her house and watch Scarface with her. I wasn’t in the mood to be seduced, but I was really hungry and she said she’d make me a sandwich, so I said what the heck.

Even though I didn’t reach full enlightenment during my meditation, I had some very profound realizations. And one of them is what I’m calling the Carla Ossa Beauty Test™. The Carla Ossa Beauty Test™ is a test designed to help men rate female attractiveness on an objective and consistent scale. I named it the Carla Ossa Beauty Test™ because I had the test epiphany during the time in my mediation when I was imagining Carla Ossa and me making out on my couch, in my house, on my private island, during the Superbowl, when I had a million dollar bet on the winning team, which I was coaching via my cell phone, after Carla had just made me a giant pile of nachos with extra nacho cheese. (I’m telling you, if you’re not on the mediation and creative visualization bandwagon, get on it. It’s a good place to be).

Here’s how you administer the test:

Step #1: Find a random picture of some chica you want to rate.
Step #2: Crop the picture to the upper left quadrant of her face. Make sure to include the eye and part of her nose. THIS CROPPING IS THE MOST IMPORTANT PART. MAKE SURE IT IS DEFINITELY THE UPPER LEFT QUADRANT OF THE FACE.
Step #3: Perceive the obvious beauty rating from 1 to 10. (Note: A score of 10 is the top rating. A girl can NOT under any circumstances receive a rating higher than a 10.)

Here is the test administered on none other than Carla Ossa herself.


As you can see, Carla is an emphatic 10 which means she and I had a wonderful time making out on my couch. Below is the full picture for proof of how accurate and infallible this test is.


See? A perfect 10 just like the test showed.

To show more examples of this test and to help you learn how to administer it yourself, I’ve provided some additional examples below. I have also included scores and descriptions that explain the obvious beauty rating from 1 to 10. Also, if you click each photo, a new window will open and you can see the full picture from where the cropped image was taken.

These are just a few examples, but remember the test can (and should) be administered to every woman. It never fails.

Example #1:


Analysis and Score: Wow, this girl is perfect. She’s a solid 10.0 no doubt. Clearly this woman has perfect features, and she’s clearly just amazing in every way. If you do the Carla Ossa Beauty Test™ and you get a result like this then sell your motorcycle and buy that girl the biggest rock you can afford. You won’t regret it.

Example #2:


Analysis and Score: Oh wow, just wow. This woman has got it all! I can tell just by this picture that this woman loves adventure and probably likes horseback riding and having picnics in hot air balloons. My guess is she probably also gives amazing massages and that’s totally, totally cool with me. Because of how much this bronzed bombshell brings to my bedroom after a long day on my feet, I gotta go a little bit beyond the 10-scale this one and only time and give this girl a score of 12.

Example #3:


Analysis and Score: Oh my gawwwwwd. Like Gawwwwd with a capital G! If I said a woman was perfect before, I didn’t know about this one. This girl right here is unstoppably unstoppable in the looks category. Plus you can tell she likes football, fast cars, and she even mowed my lawn last week in a bikini. Totally, totally my type of girl! I gotta give this one a score of 47!

Example #4:


Analysis and Score:: I don’t know what the heck is going on here, but these women just keep getting hotter and hotter!! Not only is this girl drool-worthy, but I can totally tell she loves watching action movies and she’s probably a whiz at cleaning the house. Well you know what? That’s perfect for me because my house is diiiiiir-ty. I’m giving this one a no-holds-barred bedroom wrestling match score of 712!

Example #5:


Analysis and Score: Holy smokes!! Why the {bleep} am I even wasting my time writing this article when there are women like this on the loose?!! Women this hot prove there is a God and in my opinion should be illegal unless they are keeping me company. Not to mention, I’m pretty sure based on this photo that this woman is willing to wake up every morning and make me breakfast in bed while wearing nothing but an apron (and I mean NOTHING but an apron). Well take down my order for blueberry pancakes and scrabbled eggs – I gotta give this queen-in-the-kitchen red bra-ed beauty a score of 3,420!!

Example #6:


Analysis and Score: I’m speechless. Game over. Let’s get married and have 100 babies. Score of 10,000,000.


So there you have it – the Carla Ossa Beauty Test™. As I’m sure you saw, it’s a simple test that does wonders in providing an accurate and objective beauty evaluation. As you can see I stayed focused on the test guidelines by zeroing in on what matters. And that’s the whole concept behind the test – you don’t need to see the whole woman to know how she ranks. In fact, when you have to take everything in, it’s overwhelming and it just complicates things. Focus on the essential and forget the rest. You’ll never be steered wrong.

I hope you enjoyed my article and learned a lot from it! If you’re a supermodel, do the Carla Ossa Beauty Test™ to yourself and send me the results. I’ll check it out and let you know if I want to date you. And if you’re not a supermodel, share this site and you could win $100,000.




May 13, 2014 in Adam Dunlap, Alessandra Ambrosio, Candice Swanepoel, Carla Ossa, Elyse Taylor, Karolina Kurkova, Natasha Barnard, Nina Agdal, Supermodels by Adam Dunlap