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A Breakup Letter From My Ex-Supermodel Girlfriend

October 23, 2014 in Adam Dunlap, Lindsay Ellingson, Nina Agdal, Supermodels by Adam Dunlap

As some of you know, 4 months ago to the day, my supermodel girlfriend and I broke up. It was as sudden, unexpected, and as surprising as anything I have ever experienced. Suffice it to say it completely rocked my world. Plus this breakup was especially hard for me because I was ready to put a ring on it :\ And, yes, if that previous sentence is any indication, you are correct in assuming that she is the one who broke up with me.

Of course, I’m sure your next question is, “Adam, why in the world did she break up with you? Clearly that has never happened before and clearly we thought it never would.” Thank you for that kind thought. I will validate your high opinion of me once again and confirm that not even one of the 7+ billion people on the planet thought a girl would ever break up with me. And yet, I guess nightmares do come true because here we are.

There is a small silver lining in the break up… in a way, I suppose. The breakup actually came with an honest and forthright explanation from her which is more courtesy than many people get. For that I am forever grateful. The girl of my dreams with hips that made power lifters weak in the knees and boobs that made men thirsty in the middle of Thailand’s monsoon season, actually broke up with me in the form of a letter.

As part of the healing process, I felt I should publish this letter publicly, right here, on my Supermodel Girlfriend website. After all, she was a supermodel and she was my girlfriend, so it kind of makes sense :\ In any case, I have copied her letter, word for absolute word, and you can read it below. The only thing I omitted was her name at the end which I have done in the complete and utter heartbreaking sadness that I am still partially experiencing. Plus I like to keep the specifics of my personal life quite private, so I prefer to keep her identity a secret because that’s how I do things.

Without further a-heartbreaking-do, here is the letter.

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This is not a picture of my ex-smgf. This is just Lindsay Ellingson. But my now ex-supermodel girlfriend looked a lot like her in a lot of ways.

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Dear Adam,

It is with a heavy heart that I write you the most painful letter I have ever written in my life. I don’t really know how to say what I am about to say, and I don’t know if it’ll make any sense at all. I’m just a supermodel, and I know I process everything emotionally like all women do, so I’m sure this is going to sound sporadic and unthought out. But I swear this to you: what I am about to say makes sense to me in an inexplicably romantic and desire-filled cosmic way. And I’m hoping that you will be able to read my mind the way you always did and understand the depths of my heart like no one, but you, ever could.

We need to break up. Or better said, I need to break us up. Because of you, the last 3 months of my life have been the most amazing 3 months any woman could ever experience. In fact, they have been so good that I can’t stand it anymore. That’s exactly why I have to go.

Ever since I met you it’s like my life has literally come to a blissful halt at the hands of romantic perfection. The only things I ever think about anymore are how perfect you are, how well you treat me, and how I can give you better blow jobs. The way you whisper in my ear and the way you hold me, it’s like the rest of the world disappears when I’m with you. And when you’re gone, I can’t figure out how to snap back to the reality that sometimes you aren’t there cuddling me like my perfect larger spoon. Even when I’m on a Victoria’s Secret lingerie shoot and I hear someone say the name “Adam”, my nipples get hard and we have to take a five minute break for me to calm down. I literally can’t get away from the thought of you, and how much I want to be literally rocking your socks every minute of every day.

Your perfection as a man and your perfection as a romantic partner is so comprehensively captivating that my perspective on men has been completely changed because of you. You set the bar so high in every way that the other day Brad Pitt said hi to me, and I felt like I was talking to a Jabba the Hutt wannabe. Your caringness, compassion, and understanding is so moving that I’m constantly questioning my deservingness of your attention and stare. When you look at me I can’t find the back of your hazel eyes, and it feels like my heart is being touched by the archangel Michael himself. And that’s just the emotional part. If I talked about the physical, my back would probably start arching just writing it out, as you know all too well.

Everything you ever said to me, everything, put butterflies in my stomach. The time you recited The Notebook entirely from memory was one of the most romantic experiences I think anyone could ever have. And yet even simple things you said like, “Hey,” threw my female anatomy into a glorious fit of desire that was only matched by the unfathomable speed with which my heart constantly beat because you were in my life. Your compassion, graciousness, patience, warmth, and love permeated everything you ever did and said to me, and I felt completely protected and safe just knowing you were probably on the same continent as me. I know I’ve never done anything to deserve something or someone as wonderful as you, and that’s why it is has been so difficult for me to write this letter.

I know I’ll never find a guy like you again because I know none others exist. If they did, there would be legends about them, and Hollywood would have made countless films in their honor. But I think I’ll be OK without you. I think. The three months we spent together will last me a lifetime of the most devote chastity and more. That’s how good you were to me, and that’s how much you will always stay with me.

I hope you understand my emotional ramblings of thoughts and feelings. This is the hardest decision I’ve ever made, and I’m sure I’ll regret it countless times in my future and maybe even every day without fail. But I also know, you will understand, and that brings me peace at least at some level.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you for everything you gave me and in every way. I love you forever and always will.

Your [gorgeous supermodel babe]

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Four months to the day have passed since she wrote me this letter, and I’m still trying to find ways to heal. In my ever present abilities to interpret the thoughts and emotions of women, I do understand her letter as she thought I would. But it still hurts, and I think that’s something most people can relate to. If you are so compelled, please leave your comments of comfort and support in the section below. It would really mean a lot to me.

nina-agdal-supermodel-girlfriend-adam-dunlap

I guess now that I’m single again, I can re-start my pursuit of my favorite supermodel, Nina Agdal. I’m not sure if Nina can handle my awesomeness, but time will tell.

 

Supermodels with 7-11 Mustache Straw Mustaches

June 30, 2014 in Adam Dunlap, Adriana Lima, Alessandra Ambrosio, Candice Swanepoel, Cris Urena, Lily Aldridge, Maryna Linchuk, Natasha Barnard, Nina Agdal, Samantha Hoopes, Supermodels by Adam Dunlap

I recently encountered a very troubling problem in my life: I felt like I lost the objective ability to rate how hot a supermodel is. You see, in the beginning rating supermodels was easy. It was all about analyzing very simple inputs such as boob size, number of magazine covers landed, and lingerie color preference. But lately I’ve been so inundated with supermodels trying to seduce me on private beaches around the world that they’ve all kind of jumbled together, and I feel like I can no longer tell which ones are actually worth undressing. It’s like information overload in the worst way possible, and it felt like my life was falling apart.

In my darkest hour (which happened yesterday), I had no other choice but to take some time away from the supermodel dating scene in order to re-find my center. Lucky for me and anxious supermodels everywhere, it didn’t take long, and like an anvil landing on the head of Wile E Coyote, the answer hit me: the only way to objectively determine how hot a supermodel is, is to give her a mustache.

Inspired by 7-11’s new mustache straw mustaches (which are totally awesome, go buy one right now!), I’ve decided to pin 7-11 mustache straw mustaches on my favorite supermodels. My point in doing this is to hopefully re-spark my objective ability to figure out which supermodels to accept date requests from. And in case you think I’m crazy, realize that my thinking is pretty sound. It goes like this: if she has a mustache and she’s still hot then she has full permission to seduce me at any time. Makes sense, right? I thought so.

With my purpose clearly stated, below are a few photos of supermodels with 7-11 mustache straw mustaches. And just FYI, if you click each photo then a new window will open and you’ll see the same supermodel without a mustache. So you can compare :-)

Let’s get this supermodel-mustache-rating party started!

candice-swanepoel-with-a-mustache-supermodel-girlfriend

Candice, for a time there I was wondering about you. But now thanks to 7-11, I know for sure – you are a fox. You have my full permission to seduce me at any time on any private beach in the world.

adriana-lima-with-a-mustache

Ah, why hello there Ms. Lima. To be honest, I have always questioned your beauty. Forgive me, it will never happen again. That mustache of yours really brings out your boo— I mean eyes. Although I’m relieved to finally see it, it is unfortunate that it took 7-11 to show me this. But hey, look on the bright side – you now have my forever approval. Let’s celebrate with a Slurpee, just you and me :-)

lily-aldridge-with-a-mustache-supermodel-girlfriend

Oh my Lily!! Don’t change a thing, babe. You got the look and I never doubted you. I just wanted you in my article since you always bring it up :-)

natasha-barnard-with-a-mustache-supermodel-girlfriend

[Jaw on the floor] Natasha, if you aren’t the hottest pirate I’ve ever seen then my name’s not Blackbeard! And it’s not, but you’re still the hottest pirate of all time. If we ever make love on a Mediterranean beach I hope you’re wearing your 7-11 mustache straw mustache or maybe even a real self-grown mustache. You look amazing in it.

alessandra-ambrosio-with-a-mustache-supermodel-girlfriend

I didn’t know a girl with a mustache could captivate me so much. Ms. Ambrosio, consider making this a staple of your public appearance. You truly can’t go wrong. Just wow.

maryna-linchuk-with-a-mustache-supermodel-girlfriend.jpg

I like. Playful and fun. Thank you, Maryna, for gracing us with your mustache presence. It matches your outfit too! Nice touch. Let the seduction on me begin.

nina-agdal-with-a-mustache-supermodel-girlfriend

OMG. Nina, grow a stache and let’s get married and have 100 babies. I’m 100% serious. Seriously. #crazyfornina

samantha-hoopes-with-a-mustache-supermodel-girlfriend

Woooooow. Ms. Hoopes, I have to admit this is the first time ever I’m not staring at your jugs. Wow! Ah wait, I’m starring at them again. But the mustache proves it – you’re definitely a keeper :-)

valerie-van-der-graaf-with-a-mustache-supermodel-girlfriend

Nice touch with the stache, Valerie! Thank you for restoring my faith in the hotness of supermodels. You have done me and the world a service. Keep arching that back, and we’ll get along fine.

supermodels-with-mustaches-supermodel-girlfriend

So vogue. I think Victoria’s Secret needs to hire me to do a photo shoot. I clearly have the vision.

Wow, ok so that was so weird and completely unexpected. All those supermodels actually looked hotter with 7-11 mustache straw mustaches! I’m not going to try to explain why, I’m just going with it. And what I’m going with is that after seeing all these photos I can confidently say that my objective ability to rate supermodels is back… and Nina Agdal remains my favorite (click here to read my marriage proposal to her). Thank you 7-11! I don’t know where I’d be without you. Probably getting seduced by a sub-par supermodel.

Thank you for reading my article! If you enjoyed it, leave a comment below! And if you are a supermodel that has yet to be graced by my presence on a date to the South of France, go  fill out my Supermodel Girlfriend Application. I’ll read it over and get back to you if I think you’re hot enough to spend time with me. Thanks so much :-)

P.S. Oh, and thank you 7-11 for giving me a lifetime supply of Slurpies for so creatively advertising your new mustache straws. Let’s do it again some time :-)

10 Things That Are Better Than Dating A Supermodel

June 23, 2014 in Adam Dunlap, Cris Urena, Maryna Linchuk, Natasha Barnard, Nina Agdal, Samantha Hoopes, Supermodels by Adam Dunlap

Let’s face it – dating supermodels has its perks, but as Rocky Balboa once said, it’s not all sunshine and rainbows. Sure, supermodels have rockin’ bodies and their comfort with getting undressed comes standard (and you know what that means). But the downside to dating supermodels is they have expensive tastes, they have predispositions to attitudes of staunch self-importance, and worst of all they often talk too much. And let’s face it, guys – the last thing we all want is to have some super hot supermodel babe going on and on about her feelings and who knows what else blah blah blah when all you want to do is take her clothes off and show her how you really feel.

So being a bit tired of all the misappropriated envy I get for having to deal with this gorgeous girl-nonsense, I’ve decided to write a list of 10 things that are actually better than dating a supermodel. My hope is that all you people go out and enjoy these things instead of spending your days dreaming about being as cool as me. And luckily for all of you normal folk, these things are pretty easy to experience! So you’ll no longer have any excuses for even thinking my life is so much better than yours (although let’s face it – it most definitely is).

That’s enough of an intro to stroke my ego. Let’s kick this list off!

#1. Slurpees On A Hot Summer Day

It’s the simple things in life that are often the most enjoyable. So when it’s 90 degrees outside on a summer day, you don’t need to be dating a supermodel to be happy because there’s really nothing better than going to 7-Eleven and getting a Slurpee. It’s 32 oz of slush heaven in a paper cup, and this year they’ve even introduced mustache straws for only 99 cents! I mean, what more could you ever want in life?! Trust me, if you’ve found the supreme joy of sitting on your porch and cooling off with an ice cold 7-11 Slurpee, then you really have no need to waste your time trying to date supermodels. You’ve already found the base of all that really matters in life.

Natasha-Barnard-7-11-eleven-mustache-supermodel-girlfriend

7-11 mustache straw for the win! You look good, Natasha. I’d still let you make out with me even if you had that much facial hair. In fact, now that I think about it, you’re actually kind of hotter with that mustache. Might be something to think about.

#2. Finding A Buffet With Two Independent Tubs of Nacho Cheese

Did I say you’ve already found all that really matters in life? I was wrong. If you’re lacking a supermodel girlfriend then you’ve only found all that matters in life if you’ve also stumbled across a buffet with two independent tubs of nacho cheese. I remember the first time this happened to me like it was yesterday. It was the winter of 2012 at the Golden Corral in Boise, Idaho. Golly, that was an incredible experience. Gorgeous, tanned, bikini wearing, supermodel brunettes could not have been further from my mind at this point in my existence except when I envisioned them being dipped in the nacho cheese tubs upside down like Dairy Queen ice cream cones. If you ever experience this level of buffet glory then you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about.

Read the rest of this entry →

How to Sit Next to the Cutest Girls on the Plane in 10 Easy Steps (part 2)

June 9, 2014 in Adam Dunlap, Lily Aldridge, Nina Agdal, Samantha Hoopes, Supermodels by Adam Dunlap

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This is a continuation of How to Sit Next to the Cutest Girls on the Plane in 10 Easy Steps (part 1). If you haven’t read that article yet, click here!

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Step #5. Choose A Middle Seat

So now you have a last second booking being made to Latin American and your best friend is taking care of the details. Perfect but not yet refined. There won’t be a lot of seats left to choose from at this point, but make sure that no matter what your go-to wing man chooses a middle seat. No, not an isle or window seat – a MIDDLE seat.

A middle seat is absolutely the best place you can sit in order to raise your chances of sitting next to the cutest girl in the plane. There are two reasons for this:

  1. You avoid being in the same isle as a couple which = 0% chance of sitting next to a hot babe who is single.
  2. It gives you 2 airplane neighbors which mathematically doubles your chances that the girl sitting next to you will think you’re the manliest arm candy she has ever laid boobs upon. 

Some of us get this boob treatment everywhere we go, but for those of you that don’t, your best move is to double down and increase your statistical odds. Don’t argue with the numbers. This one is simple math.

Step #6. Choose a Seat Towards the Back of the Plane

One more detail about your seat selection – make sure that your middle seat is near the back of the plane. Any seat “more towards the back” will do, but when in doubt I’ve found that the cutest girls generally gravitate to rows 25-28 (e.g. 25a, 27c, 28f etc). Or maybe they just gravitate to this area because that’s where I always sit? I’m not actually quite sure on this one, but this is one of those things where I can’t really experiment with other theories since all I can be is me. So if my destiny is to constantly be inundated with hot babes who can’t keep their hands off of me then I must be doing something right and you should copy me. That’s why you’re reading this site anyway, right? So yeah just trust me on this one – choose a seat towards the back and you’ll be set to go. In addition, and most powerfully, this step allows you to effectively employ step #8 which we’ll get to shortly.

nina_agdal_red_smile

Nina Agdal, you tease me so! We both know we’re a match made in heaven. Oh, and this photo has nothing to do with this article which is fine by me :-)

Step #7. Rock a Fedora.*

Your ticket is booked and the day has arrived. Now it’s game time, so pay extra close attention to these last four steps. Step numero siete – if you want to sit next to the cutest girl on the plane rock a fedora.

Here’s the deal – women love fedoras. They are attracted to them like mosquitos to sticky paper, and somehow this affect is compounded at least three fold when the oxygen level is even just theoretically limited (like in a plane). Don’t just take my word for it. Bruno Mars and Johnny Depp have practiced this hat wearing strategy for years, and the little known truth is that the method is bulletproof even if you can’t sing or act. Unfortunately (and here is the one drawback to step 7) not all guys can confidently rock a fedora. And the truth is, if you don’t look as good in one as Bruno, Johnny, or I do, then you’re probably S.O.L. Oh well, consider this one an “advanced step” and do without it for now. In the meantime, accept that I’ve just enlightened you to realize that you need more style. You’ll get it in due time. Just keep reading this site and doing as I do.

*Also wear aviators. They’ll complete your babe-attracting ensemble.

Step #8. Be the Last One to Board

It’s time for step 8 which all by itself can make up for your lack of style, incompetence at learning to pronounce “joder”, and all around worthlessness to date as the man slob you know you are. But hey, this is women we’re talking about. They just want to be loved and they don’t generally care by who. And that, my friend, makes you a rockstar :-) So here is the tip of all tips especially if you fail on all other 9 accounts: make sure you are the last one to board the plane.

Being the last to board the plane is the tip of all amazingly uncirculated man tips. By doing this, not only will you come across to everyone as a badass who doesn’t give a sh*t (which girls fall for every time at least into their mid to late 20’s), more importantly this technique allows you to take advantage of what I call Spontaneous Personal Seat Reassignment (SPSR). By virtue of you being the last one to board, you now know that any vacant seats are truly empty. So if you see a cutie without someone next to her, you can take full advantage, pull a SPSR, and slide in beside her as if that was your original ticketed seat. As long as it’s not an exit row seat or first class seat, no one will ask to see your ticket. The only difference anyone will notice is the girl herself who will have butterflies in her stomach because your badass, sunglasses-sporting, fedora-wearing, late-boarding ways have just proven you can treat her like crap without any remorse. Pat yourself on the back – as long as she’s younger than 28, you’re her dream man and you’ve just made her dreams come true. Like I said, rockstar ;-)

Samantha-Hoopes-sport-illustrated-rainbow-bikini

Samantha!! Why weren’t YOU waiting for me in Guatemala?!! Truth be told, if it wasn’t for Ms. Nina, you’d be my new favorite. I like your swimming suit, too :-)

Step #9. Be Prepared to Organize an Elaborate Seat Rearranging Scheme

It’s rare, but sometimes a comet the size of Texas figuratively hits planet earth and rearranges my cosmic destiny. When this happens, I find myself sitting in a plane, on the runway in Houston, when it’s 108 degrees outside, the plane air conditioner is broken, and I’m squeezed between a grandma who won’t stop talking and a 300 pound black guy named Thomas that didn’t wear deodorant. I mean, we’re going to Guatemala for goodness sakes! How did you forget that one?!! (it was clearly a really big comet). Anyway, when this happens I pull out step #9 which is be prepared to organize an elaborate seat rearranging scheme.

The key to coordinating a elaborate seat rearranging scheme is to get people to willingly change their seats. Doing this is tricky but not too difficult. My favorite method (among many) is to always have a pre-scripted and well-rehearsed story ready to move people emotionally to swap seats. My story usually involves my younger cousin, taking very specific pictures for her because “she got reeeeeeeeally sick and couldn’t come on the trip”, and slipping some Benjamins to the flight attendants. I know it sounds awful, but it’s truly not. In the end, I get the girl, she gets me, and everyone else feels like they have helped out the greater good, which they have. It’s “all in a days seduction” as I say. Also, the fact that I made up a story doesn’t change anything. Truth is, most people don’t mind if you start off a relationship by lying as long as they end up liking you. Keep that in mind both for your plane travels and your day-to-day pickup.

Step #10. If All Else Fails, Redefine Cuteness

So all else failed and now you’re somehow truly on a flight with no girls that are qualitatively bangable. Oh well, it happens, and it’s not your vault. What do you do? The answer is move to step 10 and redefine cuteness. Sure, we all have our boob size preference, but the truth of the matter is that all women are beautiful to someone in some way. So all you have to do is find that perspective and you’re set. It’s kind of like the same idea Jack Black taught us in Shallow Hal. So relax, sit back, open a conversation and see where it goes. That’s what it’s all about anyway. And even if the conversation dies because she’d rather listen to Burno Mars on her iPod, take solace in the fact that this trip wasn’t a total waste. After all, you’re going to a tropical paradise where you’re richer than filth and $2 dollars can buy you cold beer and a massage on the beach. Pat yourself on the back – you’re the man and there’s always the next flight.

Lilly, you’re absolutely wonderful. Don’t change a thing. You may not be from Latin America, but I won’t hold it against you this time :-)

So there you go. That’s my patent-pending 10 step process to get you a flight babe neighbor every time. I hope you learned a lot and apply this to your future travel adventures. One note: as good as this strategy is, it has yet to sit me next to a supermodel babe. But, hey, that’s not really my concern. Supermodel babes usually sit in first class anyway, and when you have one waiting for you at the airport to pick you up in a limo when you land in Guatemala, all this flight planning is pretty much just a warm-up to stroke your ego. In any case, next Friday I’m flying to Colombia to meet another supermodel potential so we’ll see how that goes. I made sure this one has bigger boobs, so as long as she’s not a complete ditz I’m sure it’ll be a worthwhile trip. Fingers crossed.

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Recap: How To Sit Next to the Cutest Girl On the Plane in 10 Easy Steps

Step #1. Strategically Plan Your Destination
Step #2. Learn Spanish
Step #3. Book Your Travel Plans At The Last Minute
Step #4. Let Someone Else Book Your Flight
Step #5. Choose A Middle Seat
Step #6. Choose a Seat Towards the Back of the Plane
Step #7. Rock a Fedora (and aviators)
Step #8. Be the Last One to Board
Step #9. Be Prepared to Organize an Elaborate Seat Rearranging Scheme
Step #10. If All Else Fails, Redefine Cuteness

 

 

How to Sit Next to the Cutest Girls on the Plane in 10 Easy Steps (part 1)

June 9, 2014 in Adam Dunlap, Candice Swanepoel, Maryna Linchuk, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, Supermodels by Adam Dunlap

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I just returned from a trip to Guatemala where I went to meet a famous supermodel who applied to be my girlfriend (according to my privacy policy I can’t say her name). She was pretty amazing, but her boobs weren’t that big and she hasn’t yet graced the cover of a Sports Illustrated swimsuit magazine. I know what you’re thinking – I can do better. I thought the same thing, so I ultimately decided I wasn’t interested.

Even though the trip didn’t land me my supermodel honey, I’m pretty sure I did something that not even the most adept womanizers ever accomplish: I sat next to the cutest girl on the plane on every flight. And no, it had nothing to do with luck. I went five for five because I have a tried and true method that virtually never fails. I’ve never spoken of this method before today, but after the success of this trip I thought I’d finally explain it so that men everywhere can benefit from my unprecedented knowledge and experience.

My patent pending method is what I simply call My [Adam Dunlap’s] Tried and True Proven Method to Sit Next to the Cutest Girl on the Plane. It’s a 10 step process you can employ starting today to make sure that your previously boring sleep filled flights now become flirtatious excursions with the cutest girl in the stratosphere.

I’m going to explain all 10 steps, and although the steps are best followed completely and in order, each step actually stands alone as a strategy in and of itself. And yes, these tips generally work for women, too. But, if you’re cute then please don’t use them. You’ll just screw up the system for all the millions of guys out there who will soon be employing these tactics.

So without further ado, here are the 10 steps.

Rosie-Huntington-Whiteley-dive-right-in

Yup, I like your thinking, Rosie. Enough preface, let’s dive right in.

Step #1. Strategically Plan Your Destination

In order to sit next to the cutest girl on the plane there actually has to be cute girls on the plane to begin with. That’s why the first step in my 10 step strategy is to choose a destination that guarantees cute girls will be flying. I’ve been all over the world, and what I’ve found is that flights to and from tropical, impoverished, 3rd world countries usually have the highest boarding percentage of female honeys. I’ve found this is generally so because if native chicas are flying then you know they are upper class (so definitely refined and elegant), and if there are non-native females on the plane then you can be sure they are either exchange students, missionaries, volunteer workers for world health/improvement organizations, or just crazy sex-crazed college chicks going to Cancun for spring break. Either way, no matter when you fly you’re going to be inundated with a combination of sweet, outgoing, active, tanned multicultural, babettes. So my advice? Fly to Latin America.

Step #2. Learn Spanish

Now that you’re going to Latin America, do yourself a favor and learn Spanish. It’s a proven fact that speaking Spanish allows you to connect better with hot Spanish speaking babes. And what’s the point of sitting next to one of those if you can’t connect with her, right? Exactly. Now, I know what you’re thinking, “Connection doesn’t mean anything. It’s all about boob size and hip-bust ratio.” I got it, I got it, and I agree. But pretending that the emotional connection with a woman carries at least some value will get you a long way. So pull out your Berlitz language guide and start studying your basics phrases. Or at the very least learn this phrase by heart: “Aye aye aye tu eres muy bonita. Cuando vamos a joder?” That one will get you a long way.

candice_swanepoel_green_lingerie

A picture taken of Candice Swanepoel. I’m pretty sure she was texting me during this photo. In my opinion this is how flight attendants should dress on all major airlines. Except the lingerie color needs to be orange.

Step #3. Book Your Travel Plans At The Last Minute

With a destination chosen and a fluency in Spanish speed seduction now at your disposal, you’re ready for step #3 which is the perfect man tip to validate your laziness. Simply wait until the last minute to book your ticket. Why this works is because by being one of the last to book your ticket it almost guarantees that your well-prepared destined flight babe has already booked her ticket. Once she has done this, you can simply select your seat to be next to her.

Now again with a rebuttal – you might be thinking, “Adam, that makes no sense! What does it matter if she books her ticket first? I still don’t know where she is sitting!” You make a good point, but in this case you just have to ignore your man logic which will always be wrong to her anyway. Trust me, this step is cosmically rational. The added elegance of this is that women like men who take initiative which is what you’ve just done by choosing to sit next to her. So when she makes you breakfast in bed the next morning and asks how in the world you two possibly met, you can explain the depth of your manliness to her added pleasure. And you can start your explanation with something like, “Well, I know this guy named Adam Dunlap, and he taught me….”

Step #4. Let Someone Else Book Your Flight

This fourth step (along with the 5th, 6th) relates to exactly how to book your flight and it’s suuuuuper important so pay attention. Step four is to make sure you have someone else book your flight for you. In addition to getting one more thing off your busy man-filled, car-fixing, football-watching, BBQ-grilling, nacho-cheese-fountain-designing, becoming-awesomer to-do list, this, again, like step 3, delegates your seat assignment to the cosmos. Trust me, you deserve to sit next to the most gorgeous babe on every flight for the rest of your life. And most importantly, the universe supports this view and wants to make it happen. So all you gotta’ do is get out of your own way, and the best way to do that is to have someone else choose your seat. Simple but powerful. Plus it gives you more time to memorize that “joder” line I taught you which you will definitely need.

Oh why hello there Ms. Maryna Linchuk. I feel like I saw you recently on a flight. You definitely weren’t dressed like this. Too bad, I probably would have introduced myself.

Click here to read part 2 of this article and learn steps 5 through 10!

The Carla Ossa Beauty Test™

May 13, 2014 in Adam Dunlap, Alessandra Ambrosio, Candice Swanepoel, Carla Ossa, Elyse Taylor, Karolina Kurkova, Natasha Barnard, Nina Agdal, Supermodels by Adam Dunlap

For the last 48 hours I’ve been doing a meditative fast. I sat in the same position crossed legged without moving and without eating or drinking anything. I can’t say I reached full enlightenment during that time, but I came pretty close. In fact, I probably would have made it if Nina Agdal hadn’t called me and asked me to come over to her house and watch Scarface with her. I wasn’t in the mood to be seduced, but I was really hungry and she said she’d make me a sandwich, so I said what the heck.

Even though I didn’t reach full enlightenment during my meditation, I had some very profound realizations. And one of them is what I’m calling the Carla Ossa Beauty Test™. The Carla Ossa Beauty Test™ is a test designed to help men rate female attractiveness on an objective and consistent scale. I named it the Carla Ossa Beauty Test™ because I had the test epiphany during the time in my mediation when I was imagining Carla Ossa and me making out on my couch, in my house, on my private island, during the Superbowl, when I had a million dollar bet on the winning team, which I was coaching via my cell phone, after Carla had just made me a giant pile of nachos with extra nacho cheese. (I’m telling you, if you’re not on the mediation and creative visualization bandwagon, get on it. It’s a good place to be).

Here’s how you administer the test:

Step #1: Find a random picture of some chica you want to rate.
Step #2: Crop the picture to the upper left quadrant of her face. Make sure to include the eye and part of her nose. THIS CROPPING IS THE MOST IMPORTANT PART. MAKE SURE IT IS DEFINITELY THE UPPER LEFT QUADRANT OF THE FACE.
Step #3: Perceive the obvious beauty rating from 1 to 10. (Note: A score of 10 is the top rating. A girl can NOT under any circumstances receive a rating higher than a 10.)

Here is the test administered on none other than Carla Ossa herself.

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My Marriage Proposal to Nina Agdal

May 6, 2014 in Adam Dunlap, Featured Articles, Nina Agdal, Supermodels by Adam Dunlap

It’s 2am, and I just realized something that every man realizes at some point in his life – I’ve seen enough women on the internet to know which one I want to marry. Who’s the lucky girl, you ask? Why, it’s none other than the flawlessly captivating Nina Agdal.

nina_agdal_supermodel_girlfriend_bon_prix_swimwear_adam_dunlap

It took me almost 28 full years of searching, but now there is no doubt – Nina, you’re the one.

I want to propose to Nina. Luckily for me, it’s 2am, and at 2am my brain goes into hyper-drive, and it’s the most creative time for me. So I thought I’d take advantage of this moment and propose to Nina right here publicly with a completely, 100% original poem that I’m going to write right now. And if that’s not enough to knock the fantasy bra off my favorite supermodel, I’ve decided in my creative brilliance that I’m also going to write this poem in iambic pentameter. It really is only fitting for such a formal and romantic proposal.

Nina? I know we haven’t known each other that long, but I’ve been thinking about us, our lives together, and our future. And I have something to ask you:

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6 Reasons Why Supermodels Have The Best Boobs (part 2)

April 29, 2014 in Adam Dunlap, Bregje Heinen, Candice Swanepoel, Carla Ossa, Elyse Taylor, Supermodels by Adam Dunlap

This is a continuation of 6 Reasons Why Supermodels Have The Best Boobs (part 1). If you haven’t read that article yet, click here!

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#4. Boob Variety

Supermodels come from all countries and all walks of life. There are supermodels from the US, from Brazil, from France, from Brazil, from Russia, and most importantly from Brazil. And you know what that means: supermodel boobs have implicit variety.

Now since we are talking about international boobs, I though I might as well take this time to inject some boob knowledge that most people don’t know. What most people don’t know is that boobs from different countries actually feel different. Believe me, I’d know. I’ve fondled breast from more than 120 different countries, and I’ve become so adept at noticing their subtle difference that I can actually tell a woman’s nationality just by giving her a boob massage. I know, I know, it’s a pretty cool talent. But don’t praise me too much. It’s an acquired skill, and I’m sure you could learn it, too.

Anyway, I tangent. As I was saying, supermodels come from all countries and all walks of life. Especially Brazil. And this is great because that means supermodels provide the whole gambit of boobs for men everywhere to admire. No doubt about it, supermodel boobs are número um.

Carla Ossa

Why hello there Ms. Ossa. I can’t feel your boobs through the computer screen, but if I could I’d know you were from Colombia. As it is, I had to look it up online. At least the internet is good for something.

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6 Reasons Why Supermodels Have The Best Boobs (part 1)

April 29, 2014 in Adam Dunlap, Natasha Barnard, Nina Agdal, Supermodels by Adam Dunlap

When it comes to supermodels, there is no question about it – they have the best boobs. With this in mind, I thought I’d write an article explaining 6 reasons why supermodel boobs are the best. I’m hoping I don’t actually have to convince you of this, but if you really don’t agree with me then be forewarned, I’m pretty sure this article will change your boob perspective forever. Let’s jump right in.

#1. No Tan Lines

Search the internet for supermodel boobs and there is one thing you’ll almost never find: supermodel boobs with tan lines. I think this is awesome. Although I generally accept the idea that all women are beautiful, there’s something about perfectly tanned boobs that take a woman’s hotness to the stratosphere.

Now, for the sake of all women reading this who have a hard time keeping their boobs evenly colored, I’ll set your mind at ease by letting you know that boobs with tan lines are not a deal breaker for me, nor have I found them to be a deal breaker for most guys. But one thing is for sure – given the choice I appreciate an evenly colored complexion that covers the entire lady lump. Supermodels always have this, so their boobs get a vote from me.

Natasha Barnard

Ummmm nope. No tan lines here. Nice work, Natasha. Your boobs make me proud :-)

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10 Reasons Why Every Supermodel Wants to Date Me (part 2)

April 25, 2014 in Adam Dunlap, Alessandra Ambrosio, Candice Swanepoel, Supermodels by Adam Dunlap

This is a continuation of the 10 Reason Why Every Supermodel Wants to Date Me (part 1). If you haven’t yet read part one, click here!

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#5. You’ll never go a day without smiling

If you browse this site and you don’t laugh and least a little then you probably aren’t the right girl for me. If you do, then we haven’t even scratched the surface. I’m going to make you smile ear-to-ear every day for the rest of your life. And you and I both know that’s not something you can buy with good looks. Admit it, you’ve tried and it doesn’t work. Well frown no more supermodel girlfriend, that’s why you got me :-)

#4. You’ll always feel secure

Let’s face it – people think you’re a perfect supermodel babe and life is perfect and you have everything perfectly figured out etc etc. You might. But I’m going to wager you still have your off days, and you even have insecurities about your body. Don’t worry, you’ll always feel secure with me. If the washboard abs and broad shoulders haven’t convinced you yet, then take solace in this: they call me the King of Comfort. It’s a testament to my intuitiveness, sensitivity, and strength, and you’ll appreciate it more than you know. Especially when we take a break from all that practicing and get lost in a Tahitian jungle.

Alessandra Ambrosio

I’m trying to find more photos of supermodels that are pretty enough to date me, but they are few and far between. So I keep coming back to Alessandra. If you ask me, this looks like the perfect attire for Tahitian jungle exploring. Nice work, AA :-)

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