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Filing A Restraining Order Against All Supermodels

July 2, 2015 in Adam Dunlap, Adriana Lima, Alessandra Ambrosio, Bregje Heinen, Candice Swanepoel, Carla Ossa, Cris Urena, Elyse Taylor, Karolina Kurkova, Lais Ribeiro, Lily Aldridge, Lindsay Ellingson, Maryna Linchuk, Natasha Barnard, Nina Agdal, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, Samantha Hoopes, Supermodels by Adam Dunlap

Enough is enough!! A year and a half ago I opened up my life to dating supermodels with the launch of my world famous Supermodel Girlfriend Application. Since then my life has become completely crazy as just about every supermodel on the planet has done their best to win my affections. The problem is, they don’t know when to stop, and they won’t leave me alone! My phone never stops ringing from supermodels calling and texting me, and they refuse to accept that sometimes I like to sleep alone as shown by the fact that they keep sneaking into my house and lying on my bed in only their VS lingerie hoping I come home and undress them fully. I mean c’mon – give a man some space! Clearly I can’t keep living under these circumstances, and this has caused me to take decisive action.

Before I announce my decision, I have a message for all supermodels:

#1. Please understand that I think you’re all gorgeous, but I’m only one man and I simply can’t date all of you at the same time. It’s just one of those things, and I’m really sorry I’m so awesome and you all want to have my babies, but I just don’t have time for all of you. Sorry!

#2. Even if you didn’t know the above, you should have been more respectful of me, and you shouldn’t have all been texting me 500 times a day with your most recent Victoria’s Secret lingerie photos and whatnot. NEWS FLASH: Guys like me don’t only care about cleavage, and you need to demonstrate more qualities besides just how hot you are when you’re half naked. Got it?

#3. I’ve made it public that I’m really interested in Nina Agdal, and I’d like for you respect that since she and I are probably going to get married, and I’m pretty sure when that happens she won’t want me dating other supermodels, so we might as well call it quits right now and save us both a lot of heartache when we can no longer get together and make out. Thank you for understanding.

Because it’s clear that supermodels worldwide are not respecting my space, I’ve decided to file a restraining order against all of them* (except for a few). Here is a list of supermodels I’ve filed restraining orders against (in alphabetical order):

bregje-heinen-lingerie-victoria-secret-supermodel-girlfriend-adam-dunlap

Bregje, enough is enough. I can’t seduce you every night of the week. I need some time off. Hopefully this restraining order will give us just that, and then we can try to pick up where we left off.

  • Abbey Lee Kershaw
  • Adriana Lima
  • Agyness Deyn
  • Alice Dellal
  • Alyson Le Borges
  • Amber Valletta
  • Ana Beatriz Barros
  • Angela Lindvall
  • Anja Rubik
  • Aurelie Claudel
  • Bar Rafaelli
  • Bregje Heinen
  • Brooklyn Decker
  • Brooklyn Decker
  • Candice Swanepoel
  • Carla Ossa
  • Caroline Winberg
  • Catherin McNeil
  • Chanel Iman
  • Christy Turlington
  • Cindy Taylor
  • Claudia Schieffer
  • Coco Rocha
  • Cris Urena
  • Crystal Renn
  • Daria Webowy
  • Dewi Driegen
  • Doutzen Kroes
  • Doutzen Kross
  • Ella McPherson
  • Elyse Taylor
  • Emanuela De Paula

    marloes-horst-supermodel-girlfriend-adam-dunlap

    Maroles, you have a right to look disappointed, but you really brought this one on yourself. Let’s cool off for a bit and see how we feel in a few months.

  • Emma Cunmulaj
  • Erin Watson
  • Eva Herzigova
  • Gemma Ward
  • Gisele Bundchen
  • Heidi Klum
  • Hilary Rhoda
  • Irina Shayk
  • Isabelie Dontana
  • Jennifer Hawkins
  • Jessica Stam
  • Jessica White
  • Jordan Dunn
  • Julie Henderson
  • Karlie Kross
  • Karolina Kurkova
  • Kate Moss
  • Kelly Brook
  • Kim Cloutier
  • Kristy Hinze
  • Lasi Ribeiro
  • Lily Aldridge
  • Lily Cole
  • Lily Donaldson
  • Lindsay Ellingson
  • Liya Kebede
  • Marisa Miller
  • Marisa Ramirez
  • Marloes Horst
  • Maryna Linchuk
  • Milla Jovovich

    random-supermodel-girlfriend-adam-dunlap

    I don’t know who this supermodel is, but I’ve filed a restraining order against her because she is probably stalking me.

  • Miranda Kerr
  • Natalia Vodianova
  • Nataliya Gotsiy
  • Natasha Barnard
  • Natasha Poly
  • Noemie Lenair
  • Petra Nemcova
  • Rosi Huntington-Whiteley
  • Samantha Hoopes
  • Selita Ebanks
  • Tori Praver
  • Valerie van der Graaf
  • Yasmin Warsame

*If you’re a supermodel and you’re not mentioned on this list then I’ve still probably filed a restraining order against you because you’re probably stalking me. The supermodels I have not filed a restraining order against are Alessandra Ambrosio, Kate Upton, and of course the soon to be Mrs. Adam Dunlap (aka Nina Agdal).

Thank you everyone for your time and for respecting my dating limitations and the fact that I don’t want to have 200 kids from 86 different supermodels. I will let you know if I repeal the restraining orders and once again begin accepting supermodel girlfriend applications. Thank you.

nina-agdal-supermodel-wife-adam-dunlap

Nina, not only are you beautiful, you also know how to respect a man’s boundaries and give me my space when I  need it. That’s why I’m so happy we’re getting married.

6 Reasons Why Supermodels Have The Best Boobs (part 2)

April 29, 2014 in Adam Dunlap, Bregje Heinen, Candice Swanepoel, Carla Ossa, Elyse Taylor, Supermodels by Adam Dunlap

This is a continuation of 6 Reasons Why Supermodels Have The Best Boobs (part 1). If you haven’t read that article yet, click here!

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#4. Boob Variety

Supermodels come from all countries and all walks of life. There are supermodels from the US, from Brazil, from France, from Brazil, from Russia, and most importantly from Brazil. And you know what that means: supermodel boobs have implicit variety.

Now since we are talking about international boobs, I though I might as well take this time to inject some boob knowledge that most people don’t know. What most people don’t know is that boobs from different countries actually feel different. Believe me, I’d know. I’ve fondled breast from more than 120 different countries, and I’ve become so adept at noticing their subtle difference that I can actually tell a woman’s nationality just by giving her a boob massage. I know, I know, it’s a pretty cool talent. But don’t praise me too much. It’s an acquired skill, and I’m sure you could learn it, too.

Anyway, I tangent. As I was saying, supermodels come from all countries and all walks of life. Especially Brazil. And this is great because that means supermodels provide the whole gambit of boobs for men everywhere to admire. No doubt about it, supermodel boobs are número um.

Carla Ossa

Why hello there Ms. Ossa. I can’t feel your boobs through the computer screen, but if I could I’d know you were from Colombia. As it is, I had to look it up online. At least the internet is good for something.

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