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Filing A Restraining Order Against All Supermodels

July 2, 2015 in Adam Dunlap, Adriana Lima, Alessandra Ambrosio, Bregje Heinen, Candice Swanepoel, Carla Ossa, Cris Urena, Elyse Taylor, Karolina Kurkova, Lais Ribeiro, Lily Aldridge, Lindsay Ellingson, Maryna Linchuk, Natasha Barnard, Nina Agdal, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, Samantha Hoopes, Supermodels by Adam Dunlap

Enough is enough!! A year and a half ago I opened up my life to dating supermodels with the launch of my world famous Supermodel Girlfriend Application. Since then my life has become completely crazy as just about every supermodel on the planet has done their best to win my affections. The problem is, they don’t know when to stop, and they won’t leave me alone! My phone never stops ringing from supermodels calling and texting me, and they refuse to accept that sometimes I like to sleep alone as shown by the fact that they keep sneaking into my house and lying on my bed in only their VS lingerie hoping I come home and undress them fully. I mean c’mon – give a man some space! Clearly I can’t keep living under these circumstances, and this has caused me to take decisive action.

Before I announce my decision, I have a message for all supermodels:

#1. Please understand that I think you’re all gorgeous, but I’m only one man and I simply can’t date all of you at the same time. It’s just one of those things, and I’m really sorry I’m so awesome and you all want to have my babies, but I just don’t have time for all of you. Sorry!

#2. Even if you didn’t know the above, you should have been more respectful of me, and you shouldn’t have all been texting me 500 times a day with your most recent Victoria’s Secret lingerie photos and whatnot. NEWS FLASH: Guys like me don’t only care about cleavage, and you need to demonstrate more qualities besides just how hot you are when you’re half naked. Got it?

#3. I’ve made it public that I’m really interested in Nina Agdal, and I’d like for you respect that since she and I are probably going to get married, and I’m pretty sure when that happens she won’t want me dating other supermodels, so we might as well call it quits right now and save us both a lot of heartache when we can no longer get together and make out. Thank you for understanding.

Because it’s clear that supermodels worldwide are not respecting my space, I’ve decided to file a restraining order against all of them* (except for a few). Here is a list of supermodels I’ve filed restraining orders against (in alphabetical order):

bregje-heinen-lingerie-victoria-secret-supermodel-girlfriend-adam-dunlap

Bregje, enough is enough. I can’t seduce you every night of the week. I need some time off. Hopefully this restraining order will give us just that, and then we can try to pick up where we left off.

  • Abbey Lee Kershaw
  • Adriana Lima
  • Agyness Deyn
  • Alice Dellal
  • Alyson Le Borges
  • Amber Valletta
  • Ana Beatriz Barros
  • Angela Lindvall
  • Anja Rubik
  • Aurelie Claudel
  • Bar Rafaelli
  • Bregje Heinen
  • Brooklyn Decker
  • Brooklyn Decker
  • Candice Swanepoel
  • Carla Ossa
  • Caroline Winberg
  • Catherin McNeil
  • Chanel Iman
  • Christy Turlington
  • Cindy Taylor
  • Claudia Schieffer
  • Coco Rocha
  • Cris Urena
  • Crystal Renn
  • Daria Webowy
  • Dewi Driegen
  • Doutzen Kroes
  • Doutzen Kross
  • Ella McPherson
  • Elyse Taylor
  • Emanuela De Paula

    marloes-horst-supermodel-girlfriend-adam-dunlap

    Maroles, you have a right to look disappointed, but you really brought this one on yourself. Let’s cool off for a bit and see how we feel in a few months.

  • Emma Cunmulaj
  • Erin Watson
  • Eva Herzigova
  • Gemma Ward
  • Gisele Bundchen
  • Heidi Klum
  • Hilary Rhoda
  • Irina Shayk
  • Isabelie Dontana
  • Jennifer Hawkins
  • Jessica Stam
  • Jessica White
  • Jordan Dunn
  • Julie Henderson
  • Karlie Kross
  • Karolina Kurkova
  • Kate Moss
  • Kelly Brook
  • Kim Cloutier
  • Kristy Hinze
  • Lasi Ribeiro
  • Lily Aldridge
  • Lily Cole
  • Lily Donaldson
  • Lindsay Ellingson
  • Liya Kebede
  • Marisa Miller
  • Marisa Ramirez
  • Marloes Horst
  • Maryna Linchuk
  • Milla Jovovich

    random-supermodel-girlfriend-adam-dunlap

    I don’t know who this supermodel is, but I’ve filed a restraining order against her because she is probably stalking me.

  • Miranda Kerr
  • Natalia Vodianova
  • Nataliya Gotsiy
  • Natasha Barnard
  • Natasha Poly
  • Noemie Lenair
  • Petra Nemcova
  • Rosi Huntington-Whiteley
  • Samantha Hoopes
  • Selita Ebanks
  • Tori Praver
  • Valerie van der Graaf
  • Yasmin Warsame

*If you’re a supermodel and you’re not mentioned on this list then I’ve still probably filed a restraining order against you because you’re probably stalking me. The supermodels I have not filed a restraining order against are Alessandra Ambrosio, Kate Upton, and of course the soon to be Mrs. Adam Dunlap (aka Nina Agdal).

Thank you everyone for your time and for respecting my dating limitations and the fact that I don’t want to have 200 kids from 86 different supermodels. I will let you know if I repeal the restraining orders and once again begin accepting supermodel girlfriend applications. Thank you.

nina-agdal-supermodel-wife-adam-dunlap

Nina, not only are you beautiful, you also know how to respect a man’s boundaries and give me my space when I  need it. That’s why I’m so happy we’re getting married.

Supermodels with 7-11 Mustache Straw Mustaches

June 30, 2014 in Adam Dunlap, Adriana Lima, Alessandra Ambrosio, Candice Swanepoel, Cris Urena, Lily Aldridge, Maryna Linchuk, Natasha Barnard, Nina Agdal, Samantha Hoopes, Supermodels by Adam Dunlap

I recently encountered a very troubling problem in my life: I felt like I lost the objective ability to rate how hot a supermodel is. You see, in the beginning rating supermodels was easy. It was all about analyzing very simple inputs such as boob size, number of magazine covers landed, and lingerie color preference. But lately I’ve been so inundated with supermodels trying to seduce me on private beaches around the world that they’ve all kind of jumbled together, and I feel like I can no longer tell which ones are actually worth undressing. It’s like information overload in the worst way possible, and it felt like my life was falling apart.

In my darkest hour (which happened yesterday), I had no other choice but to take some time away from the supermodel dating scene in order to re-find my center. Lucky for me and anxious supermodels everywhere, it didn’t take long, and like an anvil landing on the head of Wile E Coyote, the answer hit me: the only way to objectively determine how hot a supermodel is, is to give her a mustache.

Inspired by 7-11’s new mustache straw mustaches (which are totally awesome, go buy one right now!), I’ve decided to pin 7-11 mustache straw mustaches on my favorite supermodels. My point in doing this is to hopefully re-spark my objective ability to figure out which supermodels to accept date requests from. And in case you think I’m crazy, realize that my thinking is pretty sound. It goes like this: if she has a mustache and she’s still hot then she has full permission to seduce me at any time. Makes sense, right? I thought so.

With my purpose clearly stated, below are a few photos of supermodels with 7-11 mustache straw mustaches. And just FYI, if you click each photo then a new window will open and you’ll see the same supermodel without a mustache. So you can compare :-)

Let’s get this supermodel-mustache-rating party started!

candice-swanepoel-with-a-mustache-supermodel-girlfriend

Candice, for a time there I was wondering about you. But now thanks to 7-11, I know for sure – you are a fox. You have my full permission to seduce me at any time on any private beach in the world.

adriana-lima-with-a-mustache

Ah, why hello there Ms. Lima. To be honest, I have always questioned your beauty. Forgive me, it will never happen again. That mustache of yours really brings out your boo— I mean eyes. Although I’m relieved to finally see it, it is unfortunate that it took 7-11 to show me this. But hey, look on the bright side – you now have my forever approval. Let’s celebrate with a Slurpee, just you and me :-)

lily-aldridge-with-a-mustache-supermodel-girlfriend

Oh my Lily!! Don’t change a thing, babe. You got the look and I never doubted you. I just wanted you in my article since you always bring it up :-)

natasha-barnard-with-a-mustache-supermodel-girlfriend

[Jaw on the floor] Natasha, if you aren’t the hottest pirate I’ve ever seen then my name’s not Blackbeard! And it’s not, but you’re still the hottest pirate of all time. If we ever make love on a Mediterranean beach I hope you’re wearing your 7-11 mustache straw mustache or maybe even a real self-grown mustache. You look amazing in it.

alessandra-ambrosio-with-a-mustache-supermodel-girlfriend

I didn’t know a girl with a mustache could captivate me so much. Ms. Ambrosio, consider making this a staple of your public appearance. You truly can’t go wrong. Just wow.

maryna-linchuk-with-a-mustache-supermodel-girlfriend.jpg

I like. Playful and fun. Thank you, Maryna, for gracing us with your mustache presence. It matches your outfit too! Nice touch. Let the seduction on me begin.

nina-agdal-with-a-mustache-supermodel-girlfriend

OMG. Nina, grow a stache and let’s get married and have 100 babies. I’m 100% serious. Seriously. #crazyfornina

samantha-hoopes-with-a-mustache-supermodel-girlfriend

Woooooow. Ms. Hoopes, I have to admit this is the first time ever I’m not staring at your jugs. Wow! Ah wait, I’m starring at them again. But the mustache proves it – you’re definitely a keeper :-)

valerie-van-der-graaf-with-a-mustache-supermodel-girlfriend

Nice touch with the stache, Valerie! Thank you for restoring my faith in the hotness of supermodels. You have done me and the world a service. Keep arching that back, and we’ll get along fine.

supermodels-with-mustaches-supermodel-girlfriend

So vogue. I think Victoria’s Secret needs to hire me to do a photo shoot. I clearly have the vision.

Wow, ok so that was so weird and completely unexpected. All those supermodels actually looked hotter with 7-11 mustache straw mustaches! I’m not going to try to explain why, I’m just going with it. And what I’m going with is that after seeing all these photos I can confidently say that my objective ability to rate supermodels is back… and Nina Agdal remains my favorite (click here to read my marriage proposal to her). Thank you 7-11! I don’t know where I’d be without you. Probably getting seduced by a sub-par supermodel.

Thank you for reading my article! If you enjoyed it, leave a comment below! And if you are a supermodel that has yet to be graced by my presence on a date to the South of France, go  fill out my Supermodel Girlfriend Application. I’ll read it over and get back to you if I think you’re hot enough to spend time with me. Thanks so much :-)

P.S. Oh, and thank you 7-11 for giving me a lifetime supply of Slurpies for so creatively advertising your new mustache straws. Let’s do it again some time :-)

How to Sit Next to the Cutest Girls on the Plane in 10 Easy Steps (part 1)

June 9, 2014 in Adam Dunlap, Candice Swanepoel, Maryna Linchuk, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, Supermodels by Adam Dunlap

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I just returned from a trip to Guatemala where I went to meet a famous supermodel who applied to be my girlfriend (according to my privacy policy I can’t say her name). She was pretty amazing, but her boobs weren’t that big and she hasn’t yet graced the cover of a Sports Illustrated swimsuit magazine. I know what you’re thinking – I can do better. I thought the same thing, so I ultimately decided I wasn’t interested.

Even though the trip didn’t land me my supermodel honey, I’m pretty sure I did something that not even the most adept womanizers ever accomplish: I sat next to the cutest girl on the plane on every flight. And no, it had nothing to do with luck. I went five for five because I have a tried and true method that virtually never fails. I’ve never spoken of this method before today, but after the success of this trip I thought I’d finally explain it so that men everywhere can benefit from my unprecedented knowledge and experience.

My patent pending method is what I simply call My [Adam Dunlap’s] Tried and True Proven Method to Sit Next to the Cutest Girl on the Plane. It’s a 10 step process you can employ starting today to make sure that your previously boring sleep filled flights now become flirtatious excursions with the cutest girl in the stratosphere.

I’m going to explain all 10 steps, and although the steps are best followed completely and in order, each step actually stands alone as a strategy in and of itself. And yes, these tips generally work for women, too. But, if you’re cute then please don’t use them. You’ll just screw up the system for all the millions of guys out there who will soon be employing these tactics.

So without further ado, here are the 10 steps.

Rosie-Huntington-Whiteley-dive-right-in

Yup, I like your thinking, Rosie. Enough preface, let’s dive right in.

Step #1. Strategically Plan Your Destination

In order to sit next to the cutest girl on the plane there actually has to be cute girls on the plane to begin with. That’s why the first step in my 10 step strategy is to choose a destination that guarantees cute girls will be flying. I’ve been all over the world, and what I’ve found is that flights to and from tropical, impoverished, 3rd world countries usually have the highest boarding percentage of female honeys. I’ve found this is generally so because if native chicas are flying then you know they are upper class (so definitely refined and elegant), and if there are non-native females on the plane then you can be sure they are either exchange students, missionaries, volunteer workers for world health/improvement organizations, or just crazy sex-crazed college chicks going to Cancun for spring break. Either way, no matter when you fly you’re going to be inundated with a combination of sweet, outgoing, active, tanned multicultural, babettes. So my advice? Fly to Latin America.

Step #2. Learn Spanish

Now that you’re going to Latin America, do yourself a favor and learn Spanish. It’s a proven fact that speaking Spanish allows you to connect better with hot Spanish speaking babes. And what’s the point of sitting next to one of those if you can’t connect with her, right? Exactly. Now, I know what you’re thinking, “Connection doesn’t mean anything. It’s all about boob size and hip-bust ratio.” I got it, I got it, and I agree. But pretending that the emotional connection with a woman carries at least some value will get you a long way. So pull out your Berlitz language guide and start studying your basics phrases. Or at the very least learn this phrase by heart: “Aye aye aye tu eres muy bonita. Cuando vamos a joder?” That one will get you a long way.

candice_swanepoel_green_lingerie

A picture taken of Candice Swanepoel. I’m pretty sure she was texting me during this photo. In my opinion this is how flight attendants should dress on all major airlines. Except the lingerie color needs to be orange.

Step #3. Book Your Travel Plans At The Last Minute

With a destination chosen and a fluency in Spanish speed seduction now at your disposal, you’re ready for step #3 which is the perfect man tip to validate your laziness. Simply wait until the last minute to book your ticket. Why this works is because by being one of the last to book your ticket it almost guarantees that your well-prepared destined flight babe has already booked her ticket. Once she has done this, you can simply select your seat to be next to her.

Now again with a rebuttal – you might be thinking, “Adam, that makes no sense! What does it matter if she books her ticket first? I still don’t know where she is sitting!” You make a good point, but in this case you just have to ignore your man logic which will always be wrong to her anyway. Trust me, this step is cosmically rational. The added elegance of this is that women like men who take initiative which is what you’ve just done by choosing to sit next to her. So when she makes you breakfast in bed the next morning and asks how in the world you two possibly met, you can explain the depth of your manliness to her added pleasure. And you can start your explanation with something like, “Well, I know this guy named Adam Dunlap, and he taught me….”

Step #4. Let Someone Else Book Your Flight

This fourth step (along with the 5th, 6th) relates to exactly how to book your flight and it’s suuuuuper important so pay attention. Step four is to make sure you have someone else book your flight for you. In addition to getting one more thing off your busy man-filled, car-fixing, football-watching, BBQ-grilling, nacho-cheese-fountain-designing, becoming-awesomer to-do list, this, again, like step 3, delegates your seat assignment to the cosmos. Trust me, you deserve to sit next to the most gorgeous babe on every flight for the rest of your life. And most importantly, the universe supports this view and wants to make it happen. So all you gotta’ do is get out of your own way, and the best way to do that is to have someone else choose your seat. Simple but powerful. Plus it gives you more time to memorize that “joder” line I taught you which you will definitely need.

Oh why hello there Ms. Maryna Linchuk. I feel like I saw you recently on a flight. You definitely weren’t dressed like this. Too bad, I probably would have introduced myself.

Click here to read part 2 of this article and learn steps 5 through 10!

The Carla Ossa Beauty Test™

May 13, 2014 in Adam Dunlap, Alessandra Ambrosio, Candice Swanepoel, Carla Ossa, Elyse Taylor, Karolina Kurkova, Natasha Barnard, Nina Agdal, Supermodels by Adam Dunlap

For the last 48 hours I’ve been doing a meditative fast. I sat in the same position crossed legged without moving and without eating or drinking anything. I can’t say I reached full enlightenment during that time, but I came pretty close. In fact, I probably would have made it if Nina Agdal hadn’t called me and asked me to come over to her house and watch Scarface with her. I wasn’t in the mood to be seduced, but I was really hungry and she said she’d make me a sandwich, so I said what the heck.

Even though I didn’t reach full enlightenment during my meditation, I had some very profound realizations. And one of them is what I’m calling the Carla Ossa Beauty Test™. The Carla Ossa Beauty Test™ is a test designed to help men rate female attractiveness on an objective and consistent scale. I named it the Carla Ossa Beauty Test™ because I had the test epiphany during the time in my mediation when I was imagining Carla Ossa and me making out on my couch, in my house, on my private island, during the Superbowl, when I had a million dollar bet on the winning team, which I was coaching via my cell phone, after Carla had just made me a giant pile of nachos with extra nacho cheese. (I’m telling you, if you’re not on the mediation and creative visualization bandwagon, get on it. It’s a good place to be).

Here’s how you administer the test:

Step #1: Find a random picture of some chica you want to rate.
Step #2: Crop the picture to the upper left quadrant of her face. Make sure to include the eye and part of her nose. THIS CROPPING IS THE MOST IMPORTANT PART. MAKE SURE IT IS DEFINITELY THE UPPER LEFT QUADRANT OF THE FACE.
Step #3: Perceive the obvious beauty rating from 1 to 10. (Note: A score of 10 is the top rating. A girl can NOT under any circumstances receive a rating higher than a 10.)

Here is the test administered on none other than Carla Ossa herself.

carla-ossa-beauty-test-carla-ossa-crop-supermodel-girlfriend

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6 Reasons Why Supermodels Have The Best Boobs (part 2)

April 29, 2014 in Adam Dunlap, Bregje Heinen, Candice Swanepoel, Carla Ossa, Elyse Taylor, Supermodels by Adam Dunlap

This is a continuation of 6 Reasons Why Supermodels Have The Best Boobs (part 1). If you haven’t read that article yet, click here!

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#4. Boob Variety

Supermodels come from all countries and all walks of life. There are supermodels from the US, from Brazil, from France, from Brazil, from Russia, and most importantly from Brazil. And you know what that means: supermodel boobs have implicit variety.

Now since we are talking about international boobs, I though I might as well take this time to inject some boob knowledge that most people don’t know. What most people don’t know is that boobs from different countries actually feel different. Believe me, I’d know. I’ve fondled breast from more than 120 different countries, and I’ve become so adept at noticing their subtle difference that I can actually tell a woman’s nationality just by giving her a boob massage. I know, I know, it’s a pretty cool talent. But don’t praise me too much. It’s an acquired skill, and I’m sure you could learn it, too.

Anyway, I tangent. As I was saying, supermodels come from all countries and all walks of life. Especially Brazil. And this is great because that means supermodels provide the whole gambit of boobs for men everywhere to admire. No doubt about it, supermodel boobs are número um.

Carla Ossa

Why hello there Ms. Ossa. I can’t feel your boobs through the computer screen, but if I could I’d know you were from Colombia. As it is, I had to look it up online. At least the internet is good for something.

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10 Reasons Why Every Supermodel Wants to Date Me (part 2)

April 25, 2014 in Adam Dunlap, Alessandra Ambrosio, Candice Swanepoel, Supermodels by Adam Dunlap

This is a continuation of the 10 Reason Why Every Supermodel Wants to Date Me (part 1). If you haven’t yet read part one, click here!

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#5. You’ll never go a day without smiling

If you browse this site and you don’t laugh and least a little then you probably aren’t the right girl for me. If you do, then we haven’t even scratched the surface. I’m going to make you smile ear-to-ear every day for the rest of your life. And you and I both know that’s not something you can buy with good looks. Admit it, you’ve tried and it doesn’t work. Well frown no more supermodel girlfriend, that’s why you got me :-)

#4. You’ll always feel secure

Let’s face it – people think you’re a perfect supermodel babe and life is perfect and you have everything perfectly figured out etc etc. You might. But I’m going to wager you still have your off days, and you even have insecurities about your body. Don’t worry, you’ll always feel secure with me. If the washboard abs and broad shoulders haven’t convinced you yet, then take solace in this: they call me the King of Comfort. It’s a testament to my intuitiveness, sensitivity, and strength, and you’ll appreciate it more than you know. Especially when we take a break from all that practicing and get lost in a Tahitian jungle.

Alessandra Ambrosio

I’m trying to find more photos of supermodels that are pretty enough to date me, but they are few and far between. So I keep coming back to Alessandra. If you ask me, this looks like the perfect attire for Tahitian jungle exploring. Nice work, AA :-)

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