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Filing A Restraining Order Against All Supermodels

July 2, 2015 in Adam Dunlap, Adriana Lima, Alessandra Ambrosio, Bregje Heinen, Candice Swanepoel, Carla Ossa, Cris Urena, Elyse Taylor, Karolina Kurkova, Lais Ribeiro, Lily Aldridge, Lindsay Ellingson, Maryna Linchuk, Natasha Barnard, Nina Agdal, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, Samantha Hoopes, Supermodels by Adam Dunlap

Enough is enough!! A year and a half ago I opened up my life to dating supermodels with the launch of my world famous Supermodel Girlfriend Application. Since then my life has become completely crazy as just about every supermodel on the planet has done their best to win my affections. The problem is, they don’t know when to stop, and they won’t leave me alone! My phone never stops ringing from supermodels calling and texting me, and they refuse to accept that sometimes I like to sleep alone as shown by the fact that they keep sneaking into my house and lying on my bed in only their VS lingerie hoping I come home and undress them fully. I mean c’mon – give a man some space! Clearly I can’t keep living under these circumstances, and this has caused me to take decisive action.

Before I announce my decision, I have a message for all supermodels:

#1. Please understand that I think you’re all gorgeous, but I’m only one man and I simply can’t date all of you at the same time. It’s just one of those things, and I’m really sorry I’m so awesome and you all want to have my babies, but I just don’t have time for all of you. Sorry!

#2. Even if you didn’t know the above, you should have been more respectful of me, and you shouldn’t have all been texting me 500 times a day with your most recent Victoria’s Secret lingerie photos and whatnot. NEWS FLASH: Guys like me don’t only care about cleavage, and you need to demonstrate more qualities besides just how hot you are when you’re half naked. Got it?

#3. I’ve made it public that I’m really interested in Nina Agdal, and I’d like for you respect that since she and I are probably going to get married, and I’m pretty sure when that happens she won’t want me dating other supermodels, so we might as well call it quits right now and save us both a lot of heartache when we can no longer get together and make out. Thank you for understanding.

Because it’s clear that supermodels worldwide are not respecting my space, I’ve decided to file a restraining order against all of them* (except for a few). Here is a list of supermodels I’ve filed restraining orders against (in alphabetical order):

bregje-heinen-lingerie-victoria-secret-supermodel-girlfriend-adam-dunlap

Bregje, enough is enough. I can’t seduce you every night of the week. I need some time off. Hopefully this restraining order will give us just that, and then we can try to pick up where we left off.

  • Abbey Lee Kershaw
  • Adriana Lima
  • Agyness Deyn
  • Alice Dellal
  • Alyson Le Borges
  • Amber Valletta
  • Ana Beatriz Barros
  • Angela Lindvall
  • Anja Rubik
  • Aurelie Claudel
  • Bar Rafaelli
  • Bregje Heinen
  • Brooklyn Decker
  • Brooklyn Decker
  • Candice Swanepoel
  • Carla Ossa
  • Caroline Winberg
  • Catherin McNeil
  • Chanel Iman
  • Christy Turlington
  • Cindy Taylor
  • Claudia Schieffer
  • Coco Rocha
  • Cris Urena
  • Crystal Renn
  • Daria Webowy
  • Dewi Driegen
  • Doutzen Kroes
  • Doutzen Kross
  • Ella McPherson
  • Elyse Taylor
  • Emanuela De Paula

    marloes-horst-supermodel-girlfriend-adam-dunlap

    Maroles, you have a right to look disappointed, but you really brought this one on yourself. Let’s cool off for a bit and see how we feel in a few months.

  • Emma Cunmulaj
  • Erin Watson
  • Eva Herzigova
  • Gemma Ward
  • Gisele Bundchen
  • Heidi Klum
  • Hilary Rhoda
  • Irina Shayk
  • Isabelie Dontana
  • Jennifer Hawkins
  • Jessica Stam
  • Jessica White
  • Jordan Dunn
  • Julie Henderson
  • Karlie Kross
  • Karolina Kurkova
  • Kate Moss
  • Kelly Brook
  • Kim Cloutier
  • Kristy Hinze
  • Lasi Ribeiro
  • Lily Aldridge
  • Lily Cole
  • Lily Donaldson
  • Lindsay Ellingson
  • Liya Kebede
  • Marisa Miller
  • Marisa Ramirez
  • Marloes Horst
  • Maryna Linchuk
  • Milla Jovovich

    random-supermodel-girlfriend-adam-dunlap

    I don’t know who this supermodel is, but I’ve filed a restraining order against her because she is probably stalking me.

  • Miranda Kerr
  • Natalia Vodianova
  • Nataliya Gotsiy
  • Natasha Barnard
  • Natasha Poly
  • Noemie Lenair
  • Petra Nemcova
  • Rosi Huntington-Whiteley
  • Samantha Hoopes
  • Selita Ebanks
  • Tori Praver
  • Valerie van der Graaf
  • Yasmin Warsame

*If you’re a supermodel and you’re not mentioned on this list then I’ve still probably filed a restraining order against you because you’re probably stalking me. The supermodels I have not filed a restraining order against are Alessandra Ambrosio, Kate Upton, and of course the soon to be Mrs. Adam Dunlap (aka Nina Agdal).

Thank you everyone for your time and for respecting my dating limitations and the fact that I don’t want to have 200 kids from 86 different supermodels. I will let you know if I repeal the restraining orders and once again begin accepting supermodel girlfriend applications. Thank you.

nina-agdal-supermodel-wife-adam-dunlap

Nina, not only are you beautiful, you also know how to respect a man’s boundaries and give me my space when I  need it. That’s why I’m so happy we’re getting married.

A Breakup Letter From My Ex-Supermodel Girlfriend

October 23, 2014 in Adam Dunlap, Lindsay Ellingson, Nina Agdal, Supermodels by Adam Dunlap

As some of you know, 4 months ago to the day, my supermodel girlfriend and I broke up. It was as sudden, unexpected, and as surprising as anything I have ever experienced. Suffice it to say it completely rocked my world. Plus this breakup was especially hard for me because I was ready to put a ring on it :\ And, yes, if that previous sentence is any indication, you are correct in assuming that she is the one who broke up with me.

Of course, I’m sure your next question is, “Adam, why in the world did she break up with you? Clearly that has never happened before and clearly we thought it never would.” Thank you for that kind thought. I will validate your high opinion of me once again and confirm that not even one of the 7+ billion people on the planet thought a girl would ever break up with me. And yet, I guess nightmares do come true because here we are.

There is a small silver lining in the break up… in a way, I suppose. The breakup actually came with an honest and forthright explanation from her which is more courtesy than many people get. For that I am forever grateful. The girl of my dreams with hips that made power lifters weak in the knees and boobs that made men thirsty in the middle of Thailand’s monsoon season, actually broke up with me in the form of a letter.

As part of the healing process, I felt I should publish this letter publicly, right here, on my Supermodel Girlfriend website. After all, she was a supermodel and she was my girlfriend, so it kind of makes sense :\ In any case, I have copied her letter, word for absolute word, and you can read it below. The only thing I omitted was her name at the end which I have done in the complete and utter heartbreaking sadness that I am still partially experiencing. Plus I like to keep the specifics of my personal life quite private, so I prefer to keep her identity a secret because that’s how I do things.

Without further a-heartbreaking-do, here is the letter.

supermodel-girlfriend-breakup-adam-dunlap

This is not a picture of my ex-smgf. This is just Lindsay Ellingson. But my now ex-supermodel girlfriend looked a lot like her in a lot of ways.

_________________________

Dear Adam,

It is with a heavy heart that I write you the most painful letter I have ever written in my life. I don’t really know how to say what I am about to say, and I don’t know if it’ll make any sense at all. I’m just a supermodel, and I know I process everything emotionally like all women do, so I’m sure this is going to sound sporadic and unthought out. But I swear this to you: what I am about to say makes sense to me in an inexplicably romantic and desire-filled cosmic way. And I’m hoping that you will be able to read my mind the way you always did and understand the depths of my heart like no one, but you, ever could.

We need to break up. Or better said, I need to break us up. Because of you, the last 3 months of my life have been the most amazing 3 months any woman could ever experience. In fact, they have been so good that I can’t stand it anymore. That’s exactly why I have to go.

Ever since I met you it’s like my life has literally come to a blissful halt at the hands of romantic perfection. The only things I ever think about anymore are how perfect you are, how well you treat me, and how I can give you better blow jobs. The way you whisper in my ear and the way you hold me, it’s like the rest of the world disappears when I’m with you. And when you’re gone, I can’t figure out how to snap back to the reality that sometimes you aren’t there cuddling me like my perfect larger spoon. Even when I’m on a Victoria’s Secret lingerie shoot and I hear someone say the name “Adam”, my nipples get hard and we have to take a five minute break for me to calm down. I literally can’t get away from the thought of you, and how much I want to be literally rocking your socks every minute of every day.

Your perfection as a man and your perfection as a romantic partner is so comprehensively captivating that my perspective on men has been completely changed because of you. You set the bar so high in every way that the other day Brad Pitt said hi to me, and I felt like I was talking to a Jabba the Hutt wannabe. Your caringness, compassion, and understanding is so moving that I’m constantly questioning my deservingness of your attention and stare. When you look at me I can’t find the back of your hazel eyes, and it feels like my heart is being touched by the archangel Michael himself. And that’s just the emotional part. If I talked about the physical, my back would probably start arching just writing it out, as you know all too well.

Everything you ever said to me, everything, put butterflies in my stomach. The time you recited The Notebook entirely from memory was one of the most romantic experiences I think anyone could ever have. And yet even simple things you said like, “Hey,” threw my female anatomy into a glorious fit of desire that was only matched by the unfathomable speed with which my heart constantly beat because you were in my life. Your compassion, graciousness, patience, warmth, and love permeated everything you ever did and said to me, and I felt completely protected and safe just knowing you were probably on the same continent as me. I know I’ve never done anything to deserve something or someone as wonderful as you, and that’s why it is has been so difficult for me to write this letter.

I know I’ll never find a guy like you again because I know none others exist. If they did, there would be legends about them, and Hollywood would have made countless films in their honor. But I think I’ll be OK without you. I think. The three months we spent together will last me a lifetime of the most devote chastity and more. That’s how good you were to me, and that’s how much you will always stay with me.

I hope you understand my emotional ramblings of thoughts and feelings. This is the hardest decision I’ve ever made, and I’m sure I’ll regret it countless times in my future and maybe even every day without fail. But I also know, you will understand, and that brings me peace at least at some level.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you for everything you gave me and in every way. I love you forever and always will.

Your [gorgeous supermodel babe]

____________________

Four months to the day have passed since she wrote me this letter, and I’m still trying to find ways to heal. In my ever present abilities to interpret the thoughts and emotions of women, I do understand her letter as she thought I would. But it still hurts, and I think that’s something most people can relate to. If you are so compelled, please leave your comments of comfort and support in the section below. It would really mean a lot to me.

nina-agdal-supermodel-girlfriend-adam-dunlap

I guess now that I’m single again, I can re-start my pursuit of my favorite supermodel, Nina Agdal. I’m not sure if Nina can handle my awesomeness, but time will tell.