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Filing A Restraining Order Against All Supermodels

July 2, 2015 in Adam Dunlap, Adriana Lima, Alessandra Ambrosio, Bregje Heinen, Candice Swanepoel, Carla Ossa, Cris Urena, Elyse Taylor, Karolina Kurkova, Lais Ribeiro, Lily Aldridge, Lindsay Ellingson, Maryna Linchuk, Natasha Barnard, Nina Agdal, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, Samantha Hoopes, Supermodels by Adam Dunlap

Enough is enough!! A year and a half ago I opened up my life to dating supermodels with the launch of my world famous Supermodel Girlfriend Application. Since then my life has become completely crazy as just about every supermodel on the planet has done their best to win my affections. The problem is, they don’t know when to stop, and they won’t leave me alone! My phone never stops ringing from supermodels calling and texting me, and they refuse to accept that sometimes I like to sleep alone as shown by the fact that they keep sneaking into my house and lying on my bed in only their VS lingerie hoping I come home and undress them fully. I mean c’mon – give a man some space! Clearly I can’t keep living under these circumstances, and this has caused me to take decisive action.

Before I announce my decision, I have a message for all supermodels:

#1. Please understand that I think you’re all gorgeous, but I’m only one man and I simply can’t date all of you at the same time. It’s just one of those things, and I’m really sorry I’m so awesome and you all want to have my babies, but I just don’t have time for all of you. Sorry!

#2. Even if you didn’t know the above, you should have been more respectful of me, and you shouldn’t have all been texting me 500 times a day with your most recent Victoria’s Secret lingerie photos and whatnot. NEWS FLASH: Guys like me don’t only care about cleavage, and you need to demonstrate more qualities besides just how hot you are when you’re half naked. Got it?

#3. I’ve made it public that I’m really interested in Nina Agdal, and I’d like for you respect that since she and I are probably going to get married, and I’m pretty sure when that happens she won’t want me dating other supermodels, so we might as well call it quits right now and save us both a lot of heartache when we can no longer get together and make out. Thank you for understanding.

Because it’s clear that supermodels worldwide are not respecting my space, I’ve decided to file a restraining order against all of them* (except for a few). Here is a list of supermodels I’ve filed restraining orders against (in alphabetical order):

bregje-heinen-lingerie-victoria-secret-supermodel-girlfriend-adam-dunlap

Bregje, enough is enough. I can’t seduce you every night of the week. I need some time off. Hopefully this restraining order will give us just that, and then we can try to pick up where we left off.

  • Abbey Lee Kershaw
  • Adriana Lima
  • Agyness Deyn
  • Alice Dellal
  • Alyson Le Borges
  • Amber Valletta
  • Ana Beatriz Barros
  • Angela Lindvall
  • Anja Rubik
  • Aurelie Claudel
  • Bar Rafaelli
  • Bregje Heinen
  • Brooklyn Decker
  • Brooklyn Decker
  • Candice Swanepoel
  • Carla Ossa
  • Caroline Winberg
  • Catherin McNeil
  • Chanel Iman
  • Christy Turlington
  • Cindy Taylor
  • Claudia Schieffer
  • Coco Rocha
  • Cris Urena
  • Crystal Renn
  • Daria Webowy
  • Dewi Driegen
  • Doutzen Kroes
  • Doutzen Kross
  • Ella McPherson
  • Elyse Taylor
  • Emanuela De Paula

    marloes-horst-supermodel-girlfriend-adam-dunlap

    Maroles, you have a right to look disappointed, but you really brought this one on yourself. Let’s cool off for a bit and see how we feel in a few months.

  • Emma Cunmulaj
  • Erin Watson
  • Eva Herzigova
  • Gemma Ward
  • Gisele Bundchen
  • Heidi Klum
  • Hilary Rhoda
  • Irina Shayk
  • Isabelie Dontana
  • Jennifer Hawkins
  • Jessica Stam
  • Jessica White
  • Jordan Dunn
  • Julie Henderson
  • Karlie Kross
  • Karolina Kurkova
  • Kate Moss
  • Kelly Brook
  • Kim Cloutier
  • Kristy Hinze
  • Lasi Ribeiro
  • Lily Aldridge
  • Lily Cole
  • Lily Donaldson
  • Lindsay Ellingson
  • Liya Kebede
  • Marisa Miller
  • Marisa Ramirez
  • Marloes Horst
  • Maryna Linchuk
  • Milla Jovovich

    random-supermodel-girlfriend-adam-dunlap

    I don’t know who this supermodel is, but I’ve filed a restraining order against her because she is probably stalking me.

  • Miranda Kerr
  • Natalia Vodianova
  • Nataliya Gotsiy
  • Natasha Barnard
  • Natasha Poly
  • Noemie Lenair
  • Petra Nemcova
  • Rosi Huntington-Whiteley
  • Samantha Hoopes
  • Selita Ebanks
  • Tori Praver
  • Valerie van der Graaf
  • Yasmin Warsame

*If you’re a supermodel and you’re not mentioned on this list then I’ve still probably filed a restraining order against you because you’re probably stalking me. The supermodels I have not filed a restraining order against are Alessandra Ambrosio, Kate Upton, and of course the soon to be Mrs. Adam Dunlap (aka Nina Agdal).

Thank you everyone for your time and for respecting my dating limitations and the fact that I don’t want to have 200 kids from 86 different supermodels. I will let you know if I repeal the restraining orders and once again begin accepting supermodel girlfriend applications. Thank you.

nina-agdal-supermodel-wife-adam-dunlap

Nina, not only are you beautiful, you also know how to respect a man’s boundaries and give me my space when I  need it. That’s why I’m so happy we’re getting married.

Supermodels with 7-11 Mustache Straw Mustaches

June 30, 2014 in Adam Dunlap, Adriana Lima, Alessandra Ambrosio, Candice Swanepoel, Cris Urena, Lily Aldridge, Maryna Linchuk, Natasha Barnard, Nina Agdal, Samantha Hoopes, Supermodels by Adam Dunlap

I recently encountered a very troubling problem in my life: I felt like I lost the objective ability to rate how hot a supermodel is. You see, in the beginning rating supermodels was easy. It was all about analyzing very simple inputs such as boob size, number of magazine covers landed, and lingerie color preference. But lately I’ve been so inundated with supermodels trying to seduce me on private beaches around the world that they’ve all kind of jumbled together, and I feel like I can no longer tell which ones are actually worth undressing. It’s like information overload in the worst way possible, and it felt like my life was falling apart.

In my darkest hour (which happened yesterday), I had no other choice but to take some time away from the supermodel dating scene in order to re-find my center. Lucky for me and anxious supermodels everywhere, it didn’t take long, and like an anvil landing on the head of Wile E Coyote, the answer hit me: the only way to objectively determine how hot a supermodel is, is to give her a mustache.

Inspired by 7-11’s new mustache straw mustaches (which are totally awesome, go buy one right now!), I’ve decided to pin 7-11 mustache straw mustaches on my favorite supermodels. My point in doing this is to hopefully re-spark my objective ability to figure out which supermodels to accept date requests from. And in case you think I’m crazy, realize that my thinking is pretty sound. It goes like this: if she has a mustache and she’s still hot then she has full permission to seduce me at any time. Makes sense, right? I thought so.

With my purpose clearly stated, below are a few photos of supermodels with 7-11 mustache straw mustaches. And just FYI, if you click each photo then a new window will open and you’ll see the same supermodel without a mustache. So you can compare :-)

Let’s get this supermodel-mustache-rating party started!

candice-swanepoel-with-a-mustache-supermodel-girlfriend

Candice, for a time there I was wondering about you. But now thanks to 7-11, I know for sure – you are a fox. You have my full permission to seduce me at any time on any private beach in the world.

adriana-lima-with-a-mustache

Ah, why hello there Ms. Lima. To be honest, I have always questioned your beauty. Forgive me, it will never happen again. That mustache of yours really brings out your boo— I mean eyes. Although I’m relieved to finally see it, it is unfortunate that it took 7-11 to show me this. But hey, look on the bright side – you now have my forever approval. Let’s celebrate with a Slurpee, just you and me :-)

lily-aldridge-with-a-mustache-supermodel-girlfriend

Oh my Lily!! Don’t change a thing, babe. You got the look and I never doubted you. I just wanted you in my article since you always bring it up :-)

natasha-barnard-with-a-mustache-supermodel-girlfriend

[Jaw on the floor] Natasha, if you aren’t the hottest pirate I’ve ever seen then my name’s not Blackbeard! And it’s not, but you’re still the hottest pirate of all time. If we ever make love on a Mediterranean beach I hope you’re wearing your 7-11 mustache straw mustache or maybe even a real self-grown mustache. You look amazing in it.

alessandra-ambrosio-with-a-mustache-supermodel-girlfriend

I didn’t know a girl with a mustache could captivate me so much. Ms. Ambrosio, consider making this a staple of your public appearance. You truly can’t go wrong. Just wow.

maryna-linchuk-with-a-mustache-supermodel-girlfriend.jpg

I like. Playful and fun. Thank you, Maryna, for gracing us with your mustache presence. It matches your outfit too! Nice touch. Let the seduction on me begin.

nina-agdal-with-a-mustache-supermodel-girlfriend

OMG. Nina, grow a stache and let’s get married and have 100 babies. I’m 100% serious. Seriously. #crazyfornina

samantha-hoopes-with-a-mustache-supermodel-girlfriend

Woooooow. Ms. Hoopes, I have to admit this is the first time ever I’m not staring at your jugs. Wow! Ah wait, I’m starring at them again. But the mustache proves it – you’re definitely a keeper :-)

valerie-van-der-graaf-with-a-mustache-supermodel-girlfriend

Nice touch with the stache, Valerie! Thank you for restoring my faith in the hotness of supermodels. You have done me and the world a service. Keep arching that back, and we’ll get along fine.

supermodels-with-mustaches-supermodel-girlfriend

So vogue. I think Victoria’s Secret needs to hire me to do a photo shoot. I clearly have the vision.

Wow, ok so that was so weird and completely unexpected. All those supermodels actually looked hotter with 7-11 mustache straw mustaches! I’m not going to try to explain why, I’m just going with it. And what I’m going with is that after seeing all these photos I can confidently say that my objective ability to rate supermodels is back… and Nina Agdal remains my favorite (click here to read my marriage proposal to her). Thank you 7-11! I don’t know where I’d be without you. Probably getting seduced by a sub-par supermodel.

Thank you for reading my article! If you enjoyed it, leave a comment below! And if you are a supermodel that has yet to be graced by my presence on a date to the South of France, go  fill out my Supermodel Girlfriend Application. I’ll read it over and get back to you if I think you’re hot enough to spend time with me. Thanks so much :-)

P.S. Oh, and thank you 7-11 for giving me a lifetime supply of Slurpies for so creatively advertising your new mustache straws. Let’s do it again some time :-)

10 Things That Are Better Than Dating A Supermodel

June 23, 2014 in Adam Dunlap, Cris Urena, Maryna Linchuk, Natasha Barnard, Nina Agdal, Samantha Hoopes, Supermodels by Adam Dunlap

Let’s face it – dating supermodels has its perks, but as Rocky Balboa once said, it’s not all sunshine and rainbows. Sure, supermodels have rockin’ bodies and their comfort with getting undressed comes standard (and you know what that means). But the downside to dating supermodels is they have expensive tastes, they have predispositions to attitudes of staunch self-importance, and worst of all they often talk too much. And let’s face it, guys – the last thing we all want is to have some super hot supermodel babe going on and on about her feelings and who knows what else blah blah blah when all you want to do is take her clothes off and show her how you really feel.

So being a bit tired of all the misappropriated envy I get for having to deal with this gorgeous girl-nonsense, I’ve decided to write a list of 10 things that are actually better than dating a supermodel. My hope is that all you people go out and enjoy these things instead of spending your days dreaming about being as cool as me. And luckily for all of you normal folk, these things are pretty easy to experience! So you’ll no longer have any excuses for even thinking my life is so much better than yours (although let’s face it – it most definitely is).

That’s enough of an intro to stroke my ego. Let’s kick this list off!

#1. Slurpees On A Hot Summer Day

It’s the simple things in life that are often the most enjoyable. So when it’s 90 degrees outside on a summer day, you don’t need to be dating a supermodel to be happy because there’s really nothing better than going to 7-Eleven and getting a Slurpee. It’s 32 oz of slush heaven in a paper cup, and this year they’ve even introduced mustache straws for only 99 cents! I mean, what more could you ever want in life?! Trust me, if you’ve found the supreme joy of sitting on your porch and cooling off with an ice cold 7-11 Slurpee, then you really have no need to waste your time trying to date supermodels. You’ve already found the base of all that really matters in life.

Natasha-Barnard-7-11-eleven-mustache-supermodel-girlfriend

7-11 mustache straw for the win! You look good, Natasha. I’d still let you make out with me even if you had that much facial hair. In fact, now that I think about it, you’re actually kind of hotter with that mustache. Might be something to think about.

#2. Finding A Buffet With Two Independent Tubs of Nacho Cheese

Did I say you’ve already found all that really matters in life? I was wrong. If you’re lacking a supermodel girlfriend then you’ve only found all that matters in life if you’ve also stumbled across a buffet with two independent tubs of nacho cheese. I remember the first time this happened to me like it was yesterday. It was the winter of 2012 at the Golden Corral in Boise, Idaho. Golly, that was an incredible experience. Gorgeous, tanned, bikini wearing, supermodel brunettes could not have been further from my mind at this point in my existence except when I envisioned them being dipped in the nacho cheese tubs upside down like Dairy Queen ice cream cones. If you ever experience this level of buffet glory then you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about.

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The Carla Ossa Beauty Test™

May 13, 2014 in Adam Dunlap, Alessandra Ambrosio, Candice Swanepoel, Carla Ossa, Elyse Taylor, Karolina Kurkova, Natasha Barnard, Nina Agdal, Supermodels by Adam Dunlap

For the last 48 hours I’ve been doing a meditative fast. I sat in the same position crossed legged without moving and without eating or drinking anything. I can’t say I reached full enlightenment during that time, but I came pretty close. In fact, I probably would have made it if Nina Agdal hadn’t called me and asked me to come over to her house and watch Scarface with her. I wasn’t in the mood to be seduced, but I was really hungry and she said she’d make me a sandwich, so I said what the heck.

Even though I didn’t reach full enlightenment during my meditation, I had some very profound realizations. And one of them is what I’m calling the Carla Ossa Beauty Test™. The Carla Ossa Beauty Test™ is a test designed to help men rate female attractiveness on an objective and consistent scale. I named it the Carla Ossa Beauty Test™ because I had the test epiphany during the time in my mediation when I was imagining Carla Ossa and me making out on my couch, in my house, on my private island, during the Superbowl, when I had a million dollar bet on the winning team, which I was coaching via my cell phone, after Carla had just made me a giant pile of nachos with extra nacho cheese. (I’m telling you, if you’re not on the mediation and creative visualization bandwagon, get on it. It’s a good place to be).

Here’s how you administer the test:

Step #1: Find a random picture of some chica you want to rate.
Step #2: Crop the picture to the upper left quadrant of her face. Make sure to include the eye and part of her nose. THIS CROPPING IS THE MOST IMPORTANT PART. MAKE SURE IT IS DEFINITELY THE UPPER LEFT QUADRANT OF THE FACE.
Step #3: Perceive the obvious beauty rating from 1 to 10. (Note: A score of 10 is the top rating. A girl can NOT under any circumstances receive a rating higher than a 10.)

Here is the test administered on none other than Carla Ossa herself.

carla-ossa-beauty-test-carla-ossa-crop-supermodel-girlfriend

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6 Reasons Why Supermodels Have The Best Boobs (part 1)

April 29, 2014 in Adam Dunlap, Natasha Barnard, Nina Agdal, Supermodels by Adam Dunlap

When it comes to supermodels, there is no question about it – they have the best boobs. With this in mind, I thought I’d write an article explaining 6 reasons why supermodel boobs are the best. I’m hoping I don’t actually have to convince you of this, but if you really don’t agree with me then be forewarned, I’m pretty sure this article will change your boob perspective forever. Let’s jump right in.

#1. No Tan Lines

Search the internet for supermodel boobs and there is one thing you’ll almost never find: supermodel boobs with tan lines. I think this is awesome. Although I generally accept the idea that all women are beautiful, there’s something about perfectly tanned boobs that take a woman’s hotness to the stratosphere.

Now, for the sake of all women reading this who have a hard time keeping their boobs evenly colored, I’ll set your mind at ease by letting you know that boobs with tan lines are not a deal breaker for me, nor have I found them to be a deal breaker for most guys. But one thing is for sure – given the choice I appreciate an evenly colored complexion that covers the entire lady lump. Supermodels always have this, so their boobs get a vote from me.

Natasha Barnard

Ummmm nope. No tan lines here. Nice work, Natasha. Your boobs make me proud :-)

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