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Filing A Restraining Order Against All Supermodels

July 2, 2015 in Adam Dunlap, Adriana Lima, Alessandra Ambrosio, Bregje Heinen, Candice Swanepoel, Carla Ossa, Cris Urena, Elyse Taylor, Karolina Kurkova, Lais Ribeiro, Lily Aldridge, Lindsay Ellingson, Maryna Linchuk, Natasha Barnard, Nina Agdal, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, Samantha Hoopes, Supermodels by Adam Dunlap

Enough is enough!! A year and a half ago I opened up my life to dating supermodels with the launch of my world famous Supermodel Girlfriend Application. Since then my life has become completely crazy as just about every supermodel on the planet has done their best to win my affections. The problem is, they don’t know when to stop, and they won’t leave me alone! My phone never stops ringing from supermodels calling and texting me, and they refuse to accept that sometimes I like to sleep alone as shown by the fact that they keep sneaking into my house and lying on my bed in only their VS lingerie hoping I come home and undress them fully. I mean c’mon – give a man some space! Clearly I can’t keep living under these circumstances, and this has caused me to take decisive action.

Before I announce my decision, I have a message for all supermodels:

#1. Please understand that I think you’re all gorgeous, but I’m only one man and I simply can’t date all of you at the same time. It’s just one of those things, and I’m really sorry I’m so awesome and you all want to have my babies, but I just don’t have time for all of you. Sorry!

#2. Even if you didn’t know the above, you should have been more respectful of me, and you shouldn’t have all been texting me 500 times a day with your most recent Victoria’s Secret lingerie photos and whatnot. NEWS FLASH: Guys like me don’t only care about cleavage, and you need to demonstrate more qualities besides just how hot you are when you’re half naked. Got it?

#3. I’ve made it public that I’m really interested in Nina Agdal, and I’d like for you respect that since she and I are probably going to get married, and I’m pretty sure when that happens she won’t want me dating other supermodels, so we might as well call it quits right now and save us both a lot of heartache when we can no longer get together and make out. Thank you for understanding.

Because it’s clear that supermodels worldwide are not respecting my space, I’ve decided to file a restraining order against all of them* (except for a few). Here is a list of supermodels I’ve filed restraining orders against (in alphabetical order):

bregje-heinen-lingerie-victoria-secret-supermodel-girlfriend-adam-dunlap

Bregje, enough is enough. I can’t seduce you every night of the week. I need some time off. Hopefully this restraining order will give us just that, and then we can try to pick up where we left off.

  • Abbey Lee Kershaw
  • Adriana Lima
  • Agyness Deyn
  • Alice Dellal
  • Alyson Le Borges
  • Amber Valletta
  • Ana Beatriz Barros
  • Angela Lindvall
  • Anja Rubik
  • Aurelie Claudel
  • Bar Rafaelli
  • Bregje Heinen
  • Brooklyn Decker
  • Brooklyn Decker
  • Candice Swanepoel
  • Carla Ossa
  • Caroline Winberg
  • Catherin McNeil
  • Chanel Iman
  • Christy Turlington
  • Cindy Taylor
  • Claudia Schieffer
  • Coco Rocha
  • Cris Urena
  • Crystal Renn
  • Daria Webowy
  • Dewi Driegen
  • Doutzen Kroes
  • Doutzen Kross
  • Ella McPherson
  • Elyse Taylor
  • Emanuela De Paula

    marloes-horst-supermodel-girlfriend-adam-dunlap

    Maroles, you have a right to look disappointed, but you really brought this one on yourself. Let’s cool off for a bit and see how we feel in a few months.

  • Emma Cunmulaj
  • Erin Watson
  • Eva Herzigova
  • Gemma Ward
  • Gisele Bundchen
  • Heidi Klum
  • Hilary Rhoda
  • Irina Shayk
  • Isabelie Dontana
  • Jennifer Hawkins
  • Jessica Stam
  • Jessica White
  • Jordan Dunn
  • Julie Henderson
  • Karlie Kross
  • Karolina Kurkova
  • Kate Moss
  • Kelly Brook
  • Kim Cloutier
  • Kristy Hinze
  • Lasi Ribeiro
  • Lily Aldridge
  • Lily Cole
  • Lily Donaldson
  • Lindsay Ellingson
  • Liya Kebede
  • Marisa Miller
  • Marisa Ramirez
  • Marloes Horst
  • Maryna Linchuk
  • Milla Jovovich

    random-supermodel-girlfriend-adam-dunlap

    I don’t know who this supermodel is, but I’ve filed a restraining order against her because she is probably stalking me.

  • Miranda Kerr
  • Natalia Vodianova
  • Nataliya Gotsiy
  • Natasha Barnard
  • Natasha Poly
  • Noemie Lenair
  • Petra Nemcova
  • Rosi Huntington-Whiteley
  • Samantha Hoopes
  • Selita Ebanks
  • Tori Praver
  • Valerie van der Graaf
  • Yasmin Warsame

*If you’re a supermodel and you’re not mentioned on this list then I’ve still probably filed a restraining order against you because you’re probably stalking me. The supermodels I have not filed a restraining order against are Alessandra Ambrosio, Kate Upton, and of course the soon to be Mrs. Adam Dunlap (aka Nina Agdal).

Thank you everyone for your time and for respecting my dating limitations and the fact that I don’t want to have 200 kids from 86 different supermodels. I will let you know if I repeal the restraining orders and once again begin accepting supermodel girlfriend applications. Thank you.

nina-agdal-supermodel-wife-adam-dunlap

Nina, not only are you beautiful, you also know how to respect a man’s boundaries and give me my space when I  need it. That’s why I’m so happy we’re getting married.

How to Sit Next to the Cutest Girls on the Plane in 10 Easy Steps (part 1)

June 9, 2014 in Adam Dunlap, Candice Swanepoel, Maryna Linchuk, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, Supermodels by Adam Dunlap

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I just returned from a trip to Guatemala where I went to meet a famous supermodel who applied to be my girlfriend (according to my privacy policy I can’t say her name). She was pretty amazing, but her boobs weren’t that big and she hasn’t yet graced the cover of a Sports Illustrated swimsuit magazine. I know what you’re thinking – I can do better. I thought the same thing, so I ultimately decided I wasn’t interested.

Even though the trip didn’t land me my supermodel honey, I’m pretty sure I did something that not even the most adept womanizers ever accomplish: I sat next to the cutest girl on the plane on every flight. And no, it had nothing to do with luck. I went five for five because I have a tried and true method that virtually never fails. I’ve never spoken of this method before today, but after the success of this trip I thought I’d finally explain it so that men everywhere can benefit from my unprecedented knowledge and experience.

My patent pending method is what I simply call My [Adam Dunlap’s] Tried and True Proven Method to Sit Next to the Cutest Girl on the Plane. It’s a 10 step process you can employ starting today to make sure that your previously boring sleep filled flights now become flirtatious excursions with the cutest girl in the stratosphere.

I’m going to explain all 10 steps, and although the steps are best followed completely and in order, each step actually stands alone as a strategy in and of itself. And yes, these tips generally work for women, too. But, if you’re cute then please don’t use them. You’ll just screw up the system for all the millions of guys out there who will soon be employing these tactics.

So without further ado, here are the 10 steps.

Rosie-Huntington-Whiteley-dive-right-in

Yup, I like your thinking, Rosie. Enough preface, let’s dive right in.

Step #1. Strategically Plan Your Destination

In order to sit next to the cutest girl on the plane there actually has to be cute girls on the plane to begin with. That’s why the first step in my 10 step strategy is to choose a destination that guarantees cute girls will be flying. I’ve been all over the world, and what I’ve found is that flights to and from tropical, impoverished, 3rd world countries usually have the highest boarding percentage of female honeys. I’ve found this is generally so because if native chicas are flying then you know they are upper class (so definitely refined and elegant), and if there are non-native females on the plane then you can be sure they are either exchange students, missionaries, volunteer workers for world health/improvement organizations, or just crazy sex-crazed college chicks going to Cancun for spring break. Either way, no matter when you fly you’re going to be inundated with a combination of sweet, outgoing, active, tanned multicultural, babettes. So my advice? Fly to Latin America.

Step #2. Learn Spanish

Now that you’re going to Latin America, do yourself a favor and learn Spanish. It’s a proven fact that speaking Spanish allows you to connect better with hot Spanish speaking babes. And what’s the point of sitting next to one of those if you can’t connect with her, right? Exactly. Now, I know what you’re thinking, “Connection doesn’t mean anything. It’s all about boob size and hip-bust ratio.” I got it, I got it, and I agree. But pretending that the emotional connection with a woman carries at least some value will get you a long way. So pull out your Berlitz language guide and start studying your basics phrases. Or at the very least learn this phrase by heart: “Aye aye aye tu eres muy bonita. Cuando vamos a joder?” That one will get you a long way.

candice_swanepoel_green_lingerie

A picture taken of Candice Swanepoel. I’m pretty sure she was texting me during this photo. In my opinion this is how flight attendants should dress on all major airlines. Except the lingerie color needs to be orange.

Step #3. Book Your Travel Plans At The Last Minute

With a destination chosen and a fluency in Spanish speed seduction now at your disposal, you’re ready for step #3 which is the perfect man tip to validate your laziness. Simply wait until the last minute to book your ticket. Why this works is because by being one of the last to book your ticket it almost guarantees that your well-prepared destined flight babe has already booked her ticket. Once she has done this, you can simply select your seat to be next to her.

Now again with a rebuttal – you might be thinking, “Adam, that makes no sense! What does it matter if she books her ticket first? I still don’t know where she is sitting!” You make a good point, but in this case you just have to ignore your man logic which will always be wrong to her anyway. Trust me, this step is cosmically rational. The added elegance of this is that women like men who take initiative which is what you’ve just done by choosing to sit next to her. So when she makes you breakfast in bed the next morning and asks how in the world you two possibly met, you can explain the depth of your manliness to her added pleasure. And you can start your explanation with something like, “Well, I know this guy named Adam Dunlap, and he taught me….”

Step #4. Let Someone Else Book Your Flight

This fourth step (along with the 5th, 6th) relates to exactly how to book your flight and it’s suuuuuper important so pay attention. Step four is to make sure you have someone else book your flight for you. In addition to getting one more thing off your busy man-filled, car-fixing, football-watching, BBQ-grilling, nacho-cheese-fountain-designing, becoming-awesomer to-do list, this, again, like step 3, delegates your seat assignment to the cosmos. Trust me, you deserve to sit next to the most gorgeous babe on every flight for the rest of your life. And most importantly, the universe supports this view and wants to make it happen. So all you gotta’ do is get out of your own way, and the best way to do that is to have someone else choose your seat. Simple but powerful. Plus it gives you more time to memorize that “joder” line I taught you which you will definitely need.

Oh why hello there Ms. Maryna Linchuk. I feel like I saw you recently on a flight. You definitely weren’t dressed like this. Too bad, I probably would have introduced myself.

Click here to read part 2 of this article and learn steps 5 through 10!