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My 6-Step Guide To Always Beating Supermodels At Strip Poker

November 24, 2015 in Adam Dunlap, Alessandra Ambrosio, Brooklyn Decker, Featured Articles, Lily Aldridge, Nina Agdal, Samantha Hoopes, Supermodels by Adam Dunlap

There are a lot of fun games to play with supermodels, but my favorite by far is strip poker. I’m not sure why that’s my favorite game to play with supermodels, but I think it has something to do with the fact that I always win. In fact, I’m proud to say that my all-time strip poker record against supermodels is a resounding 152-0. Yes, that means I am undefeated. I’ve heard through the grapevine that even Phil Ivey is jealous of my strip poker record.

Since I’m probably the greatest strip poker player of all time, I thought I’d share some of my wisdom by unveiling my 6-step guide to always beating supermodels at strip poker. By reading this, I think you too will gain a competitive edge in your future strip poker tournaments.

My 6 Step Guide To Always Beating Supermodels At Strip Poker*

brooklyn_decker_strip_poker_supermodel_girlfriend_adam_dunlap_2

I didn’t have to play strip poker with Brooklyn Decker to know she was cunning and crafty at the game. She hides it well, but her eyes give it away. Don’t be fooled. It takes every ounce of skill to beat a supermodel like this at strip poker.

Step #1. Only Play Strip Poker With Supermodels You Know You Can Beat
Since there is no official strip poker league or federation, you get to decide who you play against. So just like Floyd Mayweather did in his boxing career, only play against opponents you know you can beat. I recommend NOT playing against Nina Agdal, Samantha Hoopes, or any VS angel. Those gals are all really, really good.

Step #2. Never Play Strip Poker With More Than One Supermodel At A Time
I’ve taken a few chances in my life and played strip poker against 2, 3, and even 7 supermodels at once. But I don’t advise this at all because it lowers your mathematical odds of winning. In as much as you can control it, only play strip poker against one supermodel at a time or you’re unnecessarily flirting with a potential loss.

Step #3. Wear Lots of Layers And Don’t Get Caught Or She’ll Call You A Cheater
The supermodels I play strip poker with are usually half naked to begin with. This gives me a starting advantage, and you can add to this by wearing extra layers. I recommend socks or an undershirt as these are inconspicuous, especially in the winter.

samantha-hoopes-strip-poker-white-adam-dunlap

If Samantha Hoopes asks you to play strip poker, turn around and run away as fast as you can! Unless your name is Adam Dunlap, you have zero chance of beating her. She is amazing.

Step #4. Play Chinese Poker. It’s Complicated As Hell, And She’ll Make Noob Mistakes For Sure.
Don’t play the classic 5-card stud or 5-card draw poker games. Instead, chose a complicated poker game such as Omaha, Badugi, or Chinese Poker. I’ve never met a supermodel who understood any of the mixed poker games, so playing them will naturally give you an added edge.

Step #5. Pretend To Help Her But Look At Her Cards
Offering to help your supermodel opponent throughout the game is a great way to gain, yet, another competitive edge. When she lets you give her advice (and she almost always will), look at her hand, and use your newfound knowledge to your advantage.**

Step #6. If All Else Fails, Claim She Cheated And Demand A Restart
If worse comes to worst, and somehow you’re is Aspen on a secret weekend getaway with Nina Agdal, and you’re in the Presidential Suite of a 5-star hotel playing strip poker in front of the fire, and Nina gets incredibly lucky on 9 consecutive hands of Badugi and remains fully clothed in her 2 items of VS lingerie while you’re stripped down to only your compression shorts, then the answer to save your undefeated record is to claim she cheated. This is a worst case scenario, and I don’t like this technique, but it did work for me. In my defense, I think Nina was hiding cards in her bra. We restarted, and I won the following game without even breaking a sweat.

nina-agdal-beach-strip-poker-adam-dunlap-supermodel-girlfriend

Nina Agdal is a notable up-and-coming strip poker player. I’d consider her my prized pupil, but I’m so humble that I could never take credit for all she’s learned from losing to me. She really is a natural.

So there you go. That’s my 6-step guide to always beating supermodels at strip poker. Even if you follow my 6-step guide, you’re never going to reach my 152-0 record. That takes a combined level of divine genius, incomparable strategy, and a ton of luck and charm that I can’t fully explain or teach. But if you follow my steps, then slowly but surely you’ll win more and more frequently. I wish you the best of luck! Supermodels are crafty, unexpectedly intelligent, and often very, very lucky, so you’ll need it.

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*A Brief Overview of Strip Poker: Strip poker is an underground version of poker, where the participants play regular poker hands, but instead of betting money, participants wager clothing. The most common version is played such that every time you lose a hand you have to take off an article of clothing. The first person to end up naked loses, and/or (if more than one person is playing) the last person with clothes on wins. Strip Poker is known as a high pressure game, and it takes every ounce of concentration to stay focused, not give in to emotional decision making, and routinely come out victorious especially when playing against supermodels.

**To this day, no supermodel I have played strip poker against has ever suspected I asked to see her cards so I could gain a competitive edge. I don’t know why, but they just don’t suspect it! So I think this technique is foolproof.

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Adam Dunlap’s 6-Step Guide To Always Beating Supermodels At Strip Poker

  1. Only Play Strip Poker With Supermodels You Know You Can Beat
  2. Never Play Strip Poker With More Than One Supermodel At A Time
  3. Wear Lots of Layers And Don’t Get Caught Or She’ll Call You A Cheater
  4. Play Chinese Poker. It’s Complicated As Hell, And She’ll Make Noob Mistakes For Sure.
  5. Pretend To Help Her But Look At Her Cards
  6. If All Else Fails, Claim She Cheated And Demand A Restart

The 20 Best Compliments I’ve Received From Supermodels

September 2, 2015 in Adam Dunlap, Adriana Lima, Alessandra Ambrosio, Bar Refaeli, Carla Ossa, Danielle Knudson, Kate Upton, Nina Agdal, Samantha Hoopes, Supermodels by Adam Dunlap

Since I started exclusively dating supermodels a year and a half ago, the babes who dawn our most prestigious swimsuit magazines, lingerie catwalks, and Victoria’s Secret commercials have given me literally thousands of compliments. And I get more compliments from them every day. So I decided to sit down and compile what I feel are the 20 best compliments supermodels have ever given me. I’ve listed them below in descending order from #20 (the 20th best compliment) to #1 (the absolute best compliment). Although these are all direct quotes, I’ve given anonymity to virtually all of them for the privacy of the gorgeous babes who adore me.

Without further ado, here is a testament to my greatness via the direct compliments of supermodels…

adriana-lima-supermodel-girlfriend-adam-dunlap-palm-tree-hugging-sand-beach-feature-image

This is Adriana Lima shown hugging a tree. Speaking of which, she told me I give great hugs. That compliment didn’t make my top 20, but it was a pretty great compliment :)

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The 20 Best Compliments I’ve Received From Supermodels

#20. “I thought you were arrogant and judgmental, but, really, you are one of the kindest and most thoughtful people. I’m so glad I met you.” -Anonymous Supermodel

#19. “Adam, you’re such a great friend. You’re always there to pick me up when I’m down, and you’re always there to listen and support me when I need it. Thank you.” -V.S. Angel

#18. “It’s so refreshing to meet a man who isn’t afraid to speak his mind and challenge the norm. And honestly, it makes me so hot I can’t even stand it!!” -Anonymous Supermodel

#17. “You are amazing in every way! You should go on a national seminar tour and teach other men to be like you.” -Anonymous Supermodel

danielle-knudson-supermodel-girlfriend-beach-adam-dunlap-2

Danielle Knudson is very good at giving compliments. Trust me, I know.

#16. “You’re so hot you make Jared Leto look like the Swamp Thing.” -Anonymous Supermodel

#15. “You do the best motorboats!” -A supermodel with very nice boobs

#14. “Do you know they have statues of you in Rome? I was just there, and you are all over.” -A very cultured supermodel

#13. “Being naked in front of you is one of the greatest honors of my life!” -A natural “10” supermodel

#12. “Please impregnate me right now!” -A supermodel who didn’t want kids before she met me

#11. “Now that I’ve had a chance to strip for you, I’m so confused why I ever had a crush on Channing Tatum.” -Anonymous Supermodel

#10. “I’ve read countless books that said there was no such thing as a man who was as strong as you and also as sensitive and affectionate as you. You must be the only one.” -A very wise supermodel

#9. “OH MY GOD!!!! YOU ARE LITERALLY THE MOST INTERESTING MAN EVER!!! F*CK ME HARDER!” -A supermodel who was captivated by my perspective

bar-refaeli-supermodel-girlfriend-beach-adam-dunlap-2

Study and learn. This is a woman’s “This man is so amazing I have to give him a great compliment” face. I see it all the time. Bar Refaeli is great at demonstrating.

#8. “Your life theories are amazing! You’re so smart you make Stephen Hawking seem like a special needs fourth grader.” -A very intelligent supermodel with an advanced degree in astrophysics

#7. “When I’m with you, I know I am complete. I have only to receive a text from you and my body trembles in ecstasy.” -A very honest and forthright supermodel

#6. “Any woman would be lucky to even just make eye contact with you once in her lifetime! After knowing you for a year and a half, I can say with confidence that if Nina Agdal doesn’t accept your marriage proposal she will go down in history as one of the dumbest women of all time. I mean, I hate that woman! Why won’t you propose to me instead?!!!” -Kate Upton

#5. “You’re so incredibly perceptive and intuitive. I bet you can read all women’s minds, can’t you.” -Anonymous Supermodel

#4. “I never thought I’d come 28 times in two hours. You are a sex God!” -A very satisfied supermodel

#3. “Adam Dunlap – you ARE the greatest snuggler of all time!” –Nina Agdal

#2. “You’re the best listener I’ve ever met.” -V.S. Angel

#1.  “O. M.G. the legends are true – your dick is huge. You really are a perfect man.” -Said by more than 100 supermodels. I stopped counting at around 20 since they pretty much all say this to me.

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A solid list for sure. If you don’t agree with the order let me know! And for all the women out there, I hope this article served as a solid lesson in how to compliment awesome, flawless, amazing guys like me (even though I’m the only one). Thank you for reading and applying your knowledge in the future!

P.S. Oh, and if you know any supermodels who are single and want the chance to experience how awesome I am, tell them to click here and fill out my Supermodel Girlfriend Application. If I decide to give them a chance, they’ll probably thank you every day for the rest of their lives.

alessandra-ambrosio-supermodel-girlfriend-adam-dunlap-pink-swimsuit-2

I’m not going to tell you which one of the above compliments is from Alessandra Ambrosio. But I will give you a hint: if she had met me before she had kids she would have said all of them.

Filing A Restraining Order Against All Supermodels

July 2, 2015 in Adam Dunlap, Adriana Lima, Alessandra Ambrosio, Bregje Heinen, Candice Swanepoel, Carla Ossa, Cris Urena, Elyse Taylor, Karolina Kurkova, Lais Ribeiro, Lily Aldridge, Lindsay Ellingson, Maryna Linchuk, Natasha Barnard, Nina Agdal, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, Samantha Hoopes, Supermodels by Adam Dunlap

Enough is enough!! A year and a half ago I opened up my life to dating supermodels with the launch of my world famous Supermodel Girlfriend Application. Since then my life has become completely crazy as just about every supermodel on the planet has done their best to win my affections. The problem is, they don’t know when to stop, and they won’t leave me alone! My phone never stops ringing from supermodels calling and texting me, and they refuse to accept that sometimes I like to sleep alone as shown by the fact that they keep sneaking into my house and lying on my bed in only their VS lingerie hoping I come home and undress them fully. I mean c’mon – give a man some space! Clearly I can’t keep living under these circumstances, and this has caused me to take decisive action.

Before I announce my decision, I have a message for all supermodels:

#1. Please understand that I think you’re all gorgeous, but I’m only one man and I simply can’t date all of you at the same time. It’s just one of those things, and I’m really sorry I’m so awesome and you all want to have my babies, but I just don’t have time for all of you. Sorry!

#2. Even if you didn’t know the above, you should have been more respectful of me, and you shouldn’t have all been texting me 500 times a day with your most recent Victoria’s Secret lingerie photos and whatnot. NEWS FLASH: Guys like me don’t only care about cleavage, and you need to demonstrate more qualities besides just how hot you are when you’re half naked. Got it?

#3. I’ve made it public that I’m really interested in Nina Agdal, and I’d like for you respect that since she and I are probably going to get married, and I’m pretty sure when that happens she won’t want me dating other supermodels, so we might as well call it quits right now and save us both a lot of heartache when we can no longer get together and make out. Thank you for understanding.

Because it’s clear that supermodels worldwide are not respecting my space, I’ve decided to file a restraining order against all of them* (except for a few). Here is a list of supermodels I’ve filed restraining orders against (in alphabetical order):

bregje-heinen-lingerie-victoria-secret-supermodel-girlfriend-adam-dunlap

Bregje, enough is enough. I can’t seduce you every night of the week. I need some time off. Hopefully this restraining order will give us just that, and then we can try to pick up where we left off.

  • Abbey Lee Kershaw
  • Adriana Lima
  • Agyness Deyn
  • Alice Dellal
  • Alyson Le Borges
  • Amber Valletta
  • Ana Beatriz Barros
  • Angela Lindvall
  • Anja Rubik
  • Aurelie Claudel
  • Bar Rafaelli
  • Bregje Heinen
  • Brooklyn Decker
  • Brooklyn Decker
  • Candice Swanepoel
  • Carla Ossa
  • Caroline Winberg
  • Catherin McNeil
  • Chanel Iman
  • Christy Turlington
  • Cindy Taylor
  • Claudia Schieffer
  • Coco Rocha
  • Cris Urena
  • Crystal Renn
  • Daria Webowy
  • Dewi Driegen
  • Doutzen Kroes
  • Doutzen Kross
  • Ella McPherson
  • Elyse Taylor
  • Emanuela De Paula

    marloes-horst-supermodel-girlfriend-adam-dunlap

    Maroles, you have a right to look disappointed, but you really brought this one on yourself. Let’s cool off for a bit and see how we feel in a few months.

  • Emma Cunmulaj
  • Erin Watson
  • Eva Herzigova
  • Gemma Ward
  • Gisele Bundchen
  • Heidi Klum
  • Hilary Rhoda
  • Irina Shayk
  • Isabelie Dontana
  • Jennifer Hawkins
  • Jessica Stam
  • Jessica White
  • Jordan Dunn
  • Julie Henderson
  • Karlie Kross
  • Karolina Kurkova
  • Kate Moss
  • Kelly Brook
  • Kim Cloutier
  • Kristy Hinze
  • Lasi Ribeiro
  • Lily Aldridge
  • Lily Cole
  • Lily Donaldson
  • Lindsay Ellingson
  • Liya Kebede
  • Marisa Miller
  • Marisa Ramirez
  • Marloes Horst
  • Maryna Linchuk
  • Milla Jovovich

    random-supermodel-girlfriend-adam-dunlap

    I don’t know who this supermodel is, but I’ve filed a restraining order against her because she is probably stalking me.

  • Miranda Kerr
  • Natalia Vodianova
  • Nataliya Gotsiy
  • Natasha Barnard
  • Natasha Poly
  • Noemie Lenair
  • Petra Nemcova
  • Rosi Huntington-Whiteley
  • Samantha Hoopes
  • Selita Ebanks
  • Tori Praver
  • Valerie van der Graaf
  • Yasmin Warsame

*If you’re a supermodel and you’re not mentioned on this list then I’ve still probably filed a restraining order against you because you’re probably stalking me. The supermodels I have not filed a restraining order against are Alessandra Ambrosio, Kate Upton, and of course the soon to be Mrs. Adam Dunlap (aka Nina Agdal).

Thank you everyone for your time and for respecting my dating limitations and the fact that I don’t want to have 200 kids from 86 different supermodels. I will let you know if I repeal the restraining orders and once again begin accepting supermodel girlfriend applications. Thank you.

nina-agdal-supermodel-wife-adam-dunlap

Nina, not only are you beautiful, you also know how to respect a man’s boundaries and give me my space when I  need it. That’s why I’m so happy we’re getting married.

Supermodels with 7-11 Mustache Straw Mustaches

June 30, 2014 in Adam Dunlap, Adriana Lima, Alessandra Ambrosio, Candice Swanepoel, Cris Urena, Lily Aldridge, Maryna Linchuk, Natasha Barnard, Nina Agdal, Samantha Hoopes, Supermodels by Adam Dunlap

I recently encountered a very troubling problem in my life: I felt like I lost the objective ability to rate how hot a supermodel is. You see, in the beginning rating supermodels was easy. It was all about analyzing very simple inputs such as boob size, number of magazine covers landed, and lingerie color preference. But lately I’ve been so inundated with supermodels trying to seduce me on private beaches around the world that they’ve all kind of jumbled together, and I feel like I can no longer tell which ones are actually worth undressing. It’s like information overload in the worst way possible, and it felt like my life was falling apart.

In my darkest hour (which happened yesterday), I had no other choice but to take some time away from the supermodel dating scene in order to re-find my center. Lucky for me and anxious supermodels everywhere, it didn’t take long, and like an anvil landing on the head of Wile E Coyote, the answer hit me: the only way to objectively determine how hot a supermodel is, is to give her a mustache.

Inspired by 7-11’s new mustache straw mustaches (which are totally awesome, go buy one right now!), I’ve decided to pin 7-11 mustache straw mustaches on my favorite supermodels. My point in doing this is to hopefully re-spark my objective ability to figure out which supermodels to accept date requests from. And in case you think I’m crazy, realize that my thinking is pretty sound. It goes like this: if she has a mustache and she’s still hot then she has full permission to seduce me at any time. Makes sense, right? I thought so.

With my purpose clearly stated, below are a few photos of supermodels with 7-11 mustache straw mustaches. And just FYI, if you click each photo then a new window will open and you’ll see the same supermodel without a mustache. So you can compare :-)

Let’s get this supermodel-mustache-rating party started!

candice-swanepoel-with-a-mustache-supermodel-girlfriend

Candice, for a time there I was wondering about you. But now thanks to 7-11, I know for sure – you are a fox. You have my full permission to seduce me at any time on any private beach in the world.

adriana-lima-with-a-mustache

Ah, why hello there Ms. Lima. To be honest, I have always questioned your beauty. Forgive me, it will never happen again. That mustache of yours really brings out your boo— I mean eyes. Although I’m relieved to finally see it, it is unfortunate that it took 7-11 to show me this. But hey, look on the bright side – you now have my forever approval. Let’s celebrate with a Slurpee, just you and me :-)

lily-aldridge-with-a-mustache-supermodel-girlfriend

Oh my Lily!! Don’t change a thing, babe. You got the look and I never doubted you. I just wanted you in my article since you always bring it up :-)

natasha-barnard-with-a-mustache-supermodel-girlfriend

[Jaw on the floor] Natasha, if you aren’t the hottest pirate I’ve ever seen then my name’s not Blackbeard! And it’s not, but you’re still the hottest pirate of all time. If we ever make love on a Mediterranean beach I hope you’re wearing your 7-11 mustache straw mustache or maybe even a real self-grown mustache. You look amazing in it.

alessandra-ambrosio-with-a-mustache-supermodel-girlfriend

I didn’t know a girl with a mustache could captivate me so much. Ms. Ambrosio, consider making this a staple of your public appearance. You truly can’t go wrong. Just wow.

maryna-linchuk-with-a-mustache-supermodel-girlfriend.jpg

I like. Playful and fun. Thank you, Maryna, for gracing us with your mustache presence. It matches your outfit too! Nice touch. Let the seduction on me begin.

nina-agdal-with-a-mustache-supermodel-girlfriend

OMG. Nina, grow a stache and let’s get married and have 100 babies. I’m 100% serious. Seriously. #crazyfornina

samantha-hoopes-with-a-mustache-supermodel-girlfriend

Woooooow. Ms. Hoopes, I have to admit this is the first time ever I’m not staring at your jugs. Wow! Ah wait, I’m starring at them again. But the mustache proves it – you’re definitely a keeper :-)

valerie-van-der-graaf-with-a-mustache-supermodel-girlfriend

Nice touch with the stache, Valerie! Thank you for restoring my faith in the hotness of supermodels. You have done me and the world a service. Keep arching that back, and we’ll get along fine.

supermodels-with-mustaches-supermodel-girlfriend

So vogue. I think Victoria’s Secret needs to hire me to do a photo shoot. I clearly have the vision.

Wow, ok so that was so weird and completely unexpected. All those supermodels actually looked hotter with 7-11 mustache straw mustaches! I’m not going to try to explain why, I’m just going with it. And what I’m going with is that after seeing all these photos I can confidently say that my objective ability to rate supermodels is back… and Nina Agdal remains my favorite (click here to read my marriage proposal to her). Thank you 7-11! I don’t know where I’d be without you. Probably getting seduced by a sub-par supermodel.

Thank you for reading my article! If you enjoyed it, leave a comment below! And if you are a supermodel that has yet to be graced by my presence on a date to the South of France, go  fill out my Supermodel Girlfriend Application. I’ll read it over and get back to you if I think you’re hot enough to spend time with me. Thanks so much :-)

P.S. Oh, and thank you 7-11 for giving me a lifetime supply of Slurpies for so creatively advertising your new mustache straws. Let’s do it again some time :-)

10 Things That Are Better Than Dating A Supermodel

June 23, 2014 in Adam Dunlap, Cris Urena, Maryna Linchuk, Natasha Barnard, Nina Agdal, Samantha Hoopes, Supermodels by Adam Dunlap

Let’s face it – dating supermodels has its perks, but as Rocky Balboa once said, it’s not all sunshine and rainbows. Sure, supermodels have rockin’ bodies and their comfort with getting undressed comes standard (and you know what that means). But the downside to dating supermodels is they have expensive tastes, they have predispositions to attitudes of staunch self-importance, and worst of all they often talk too much. And let’s face it, guys – the last thing we all want is to have some super hot supermodel babe going on and on about her feelings and who knows what else blah blah blah when all you want to do is take her clothes off and show her how you really feel.

So being a bit tired of all the misappropriated envy I get for having to deal with this gorgeous girl-nonsense, I’ve decided to write a list of 10 things that are actually better than dating a supermodel. My hope is that all you people go out and enjoy these things instead of spending your days dreaming about being as cool as me. And luckily for all of you normal folk, these things are pretty easy to experience! So you’ll no longer have any excuses for even thinking my life is so much better than yours (although let’s face it – it most definitely is).

That’s enough of an intro to stroke my ego. Let’s kick this list off!

#1. Slurpees On A Hot Summer Day

It’s the simple things in life that are often the most enjoyable. So when it’s 90 degrees outside on a summer day, you don’t need to be dating a supermodel to be happy because there’s really nothing better than going to 7-Eleven and getting a Slurpee. It’s 32 oz of slush heaven in a paper cup, and this year they’ve even introduced mustache straws for only 99 cents! I mean, what more could you ever want in life?! Trust me, if you’ve found the supreme joy of sitting on your porch and cooling off with an ice cold 7-11 Slurpee, then you really have no need to waste your time trying to date supermodels. You’ve already found the base of all that really matters in life.

Natasha-Barnard-7-11-eleven-mustache-supermodel-girlfriend

7-11 mustache straw for the win! You look good, Natasha. I’d still let you make out with me even if you had that much facial hair. In fact, now that I think about it, you’re actually kind of hotter with that mustache. Might be something to think about.

#2. Finding A Buffet With Two Independent Tubs of Nacho Cheese

Did I say you’ve already found all that really matters in life? I was wrong. If you’re lacking a supermodel girlfriend then you’ve only found all that matters in life if you’ve also stumbled across a buffet with two independent tubs of nacho cheese. I remember the first time this happened to me like it was yesterday. It was the winter of 2012 at the Golden Corral in Boise, Idaho. Golly, that was an incredible experience. Gorgeous, tanned, bikini wearing, supermodel brunettes could not have been further from my mind at this point in my existence except when I envisioned them being dipped in the nacho cheese tubs upside down like Dairy Queen ice cream cones. If you ever experience this level of buffet glory then you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about.

Read the rest of this entry →

How to Sit Next to the Cutest Girls on the Plane in 10 Easy Steps (part 2)

June 9, 2014 in Adam Dunlap, Lily Aldridge, Nina Agdal, Samantha Hoopes, Supermodels by Adam Dunlap

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This is a continuation of How to Sit Next to the Cutest Girls on the Plane in 10 Easy Steps (part 1). If you haven’t read that article yet, click here!

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Step #5. Choose A Middle Seat

So now you have a last second booking being made to Latin American and your best friend is taking care of the details. Perfect but not yet refined. There won’t be a lot of seats left to choose from at this point, but make sure that no matter what your go-to wing man chooses a middle seat. No, not an isle or window seat – a MIDDLE seat.

A middle seat is absolutely the best place you can sit in order to raise your chances of sitting next to the cutest girl in the plane. There are two reasons for this:

  1. You avoid being in the same isle as a couple which = 0% chance of sitting next to a hot babe who is single.
  2. It gives you 2 airplane neighbors which mathematically doubles your chances that the girl sitting next to you will think you’re the manliest arm candy she has ever laid boobs upon. 

Some of us get this boob treatment everywhere we go, but for those of you that don’t, your best move is to double down and increase your statistical odds. Don’t argue with the numbers. This one is simple math.

Step #6. Choose a Seat Towards the Back of the Plane

One more detail about your seat selection – make sure that your middle seat is near the back of the plane. Any seat “more towards the back” will do, but when in doubt I’ve found that the cutest girls generally gravitate to rows 25-28 (e.g. 25a, 27c, 28f etc). Or maybe they just gravitate to this area because that’s where I always sit? I’m not actually quite sure on this one, but this is one of those things where I can’t really experiment with other theories since all I can be is me. So if my destiny is to constantly be inundated with hot babes who can’t keep their hands off of me then I must be doing something right and you should copy me. That’s why you’re reading this site anyway, right? So yeah just trust me on this one – choose a seat towards the back and you’ll be set to go. In addition, and most powerfully, this step allows you to effectively employ step #8 which we’ll get to shortly.

nina_agdal_red_smile

Nina Agdal, you tease me so! We both know we’re a match made in heaven. Oh, and this photo has nothing to do with this article which is fine by me :-)

Step #7. Rock a Fedora.*

Your ticket is booked and the day has arrived. Now it’s game time, so pay extra close attention to these last four steps. Step numero siete – if you want to sit next to the cutest girl on the plane rock a fedora.

Here’s the deal – women love fedoras. They are attracted to them like mosquitos to sticky paper, and somehow this affect is compounded at least three fold when the oxygen level is even just theoretically limited (like in a plane). Don’t just take my word for it. Bruno Mars and Johnny Depp have practiced this hat wearing strategy for years, and the little known truth is that the method is bulletproof even if you can’t sing or act. Unfortunately (and here is the one drawback to step 7) not all guys can confidently rock a fedora. And the truth is, if you don’t look as good in one as Bruno, Johnny, or I do, then you’re probably S.O.L. Oh well, consider this one an “advanced step” and do without it for now. In the meantime, accept that I’ve just enlightened you to realize that you need more style. You’ll get it in due time. Just keep reading this site and doing as I do.

*Also wear aviators. They’ll complete your babe-attracting ensemble.

Step #8. Be the Last One to Board

It’s time for step 8 which all by itself can make up for your lack of style, incompetence at learning to pronounce “joder”, and all around worthlessness to date as the man slob you know you are. But hey, this is women we’re talking about. They just want to be loved and they don’t generally care by who. And that, my friend, makes you a rockstar :-) So here is the tip of all tips especially if you fail on all other 9 accounts: make sure you are the last one to board the plane.

Being the last to board the plane is the tip of all amazingly uncirculated man tips. By doing this, not only will you come across to everyone as a badass who doesn’t give a sh*t (which girls fall for every time at least into their mid to late 20’s), more importantly this technique allows you to take advantage of what I call Spontaneous Personal Seat Reassignment (SPSR). By virtue of you being the last one to board, you now know that any vacant seats are truly empty. So if you see a cutie without someone next to her, you can take full advantage, pull a SPSR, and slide in beside her as if that was your original ticketed seat. As long as it’s not an exit row seat or first class seat, no one will ask to see your ticket. The only difference anyone will notice is the girl herself who will have butterflies in her stomach because your badass, sunglasses-sporting, fedora-wearing, late-boarding ways have just proven you can treat her like crap without any remorse. Pat yourself on the back – as long as she’s younger than 28, you’re her dream man and you’ve just made her dreams come true. Like I said, rockstar ;-)

Samantha-Hoopes-sport-illustrated-rainbow-bikini

Samantha!! Why weren’t YOU waiting for me in Guatemala?!! Truth be told, if it wasn’t for Ms. Nina, you’d be my new favorite. I like your swimming suit, too :-)

Step #9. Be Prepared to Organize an Elaborate Seat Rearranging Scheme

It’s rare, but sometimes a comet the size of Texas figuratively hits planet earth and rearranges my cosmic destiny. When this happens, I find myself sitting in a plane, on the runway in Houston, when it’s 108 degrees outside, the plane air conditioner is broken, and I’m squeezed between a grandma who won’t stop talking and a 300 pound black guy named Thomas that didn’t wear deodorant. I mean, we’re going to Guatemala for goodness sakes! How did you forget that one?!! (it was clearly a really big comet). Anyway, when this happens I pull out step #9 which is be prepared to organize an elaborate seat rearranging scheme.

The key to coordinating a elaborate seat rearranging scheme is to get people to willingly change their seats. Doing this is tricky but not too difficult. My favorite method (among many) is to always have a pre-scripted and well-rehearsed story ready to move people emotionally to swap seats. My story usually involves my younger cousin, taking very specific pictures for her because “she got reeeeeeeeally sick and couldn’t come on the trip”, and slipping some Benjamins to the flight attendants. I know it sounds awful, but it’s truly not. In the end, I get the girl, she gets me, and everyone else feels like they have helped out the greater good, which they have. It’s “all in a days seduction” as I say. Also, the fact that I made up a story doesn’t change anything. Truth is, most people don’t mind if you start off a relationship by lying as long as they end up liking you. Keep that in mind both for your plane travels and your day-to-day pickup.

Step #10. If All Else Fails, Redefine Cuteness

So all else failed and now you’re somehow truly on a flight with no girls that are qualitatively bangable. Oh well, it happens, and it’s not your vault. What do you do? The answer is move to step 10 and redefine cuteness. Sure, we all have our boob size preference, but the truth of the matter is that all women are beautiful to someone in some way. So all you have to do is find that perspective and you’re set. It’s kind of like the same idea Jack Black taught us in Shallow Hal. So relax, sit back, open a conversation and see where it goes. That’s what it’s all about anyway. And even if the conversation dies because she’d rather listen to Burno Mars on her iPod, take solace in the fact that this trip wasn’t a total waste. After all, you’re going to a tropical paradise where you’re richer than filth and $2 dollars can buy you cold beer and a massage on the beach. Pat yourself on the back – you’re the man and there’s always the next flight.

Lilly, you’re absolutely wonderful. Don’t change a thing. You may not be from Latin America, but I won’t hold it against you this time :-)

So there you go. That’s my patent-pending 10 step process to get you a flight babe neighbor every time. I hope you learned a lot and apply this to your future travel adventures. One note: as good as this strategy is, it has yet to sit me next to a supermodel babe. But, hey, that’s not really my concern. Supermodel babes usually sit in first class anyway, and when you have one waiting for you at the airport to pick you up in a limo when you land in Guatemala, all this flight planning is pretty much just a warm-up to stroke your ego. In any case, next Friday I’m flying to Colombia to meet another supermodel potential so we’ll see how that goes. I made sure this one has bigger boobs, so as long as she’s not a complete ditz I’m sure it’ll be a worthwhile trip. Fingers crossed.

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Recap: How To Sit Next to the Cutest Girl On the Plane in 10 Easy Steps

Step #1. Strategically Plan Your Destination
Step #2. Learn Spanish
Step #3. Book Your Travel Plans At The Last Minute
Step #4. Let Someone Else Book Your Flight
Step #5. Choose A Middle Seat
Step #6. Choose a Seat Towards the Back of the Plane
Step #7. Rock a Fedora (and aviators)
Step #8. Be the Last One to Board
Step #9. Be Prepared to Organize an Elaborate Seat Rearranging Scheme
Step #10. If All Else Fails, Redefine Cuteness